In Memory of Jeff Nelson -
Over the years the things I heard about Jeff were pretty positive. So were my own experiences. He was closer to my brother and his friends, but it's always a tragedy for the family to lose someone like this. I called Dan and told him what I knew, so hopefully he'll be able to drive down on Friday for the memorial dinner. Jeff, Brad, Joe, Rob and I swam together at Lane and he was a pretty fun person to be around. He had a very interesting perspective on things when I would talk with him and made me see things from a different perspective. I hope his mother and other family members get all the support they need in this chaotic and emotional time. My thoughts are with them !
Monday, October 12, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Sun 5-24-2009 Don't Be So Republican !
Sun 5-24-2009 Don't Be So Republican !
My brother and I like to argue about politics when we talk on the phone. He likes to try and explain to me how everything George W. Bush did was in our best interest and how Obama was screwing things up even before he was in office by the simple fact of his Democratness. He is quick to point out that every good idea was and always will be a Republican idea and that any good idea a Democrat comes up with is just something the Republican party forgot to lay claim to before they realized it was a good idea.
I counter by pointing out that a good amount of Republicans have been involved in scandals in the last few years. He makes the case that they were seen as Republicans only because the Republicans didn't have enough time to distance themselves and lay the groundwork for deniability before the bad news made it into the widespread media. That's the problem, my wizened older brother says, with the media in general. They're too busy publishing bad coverage of Republicans or promoting Democratic falsehoods to really tell the truth that the Republican Party wants the public to know (when it revises history to make itself look better in hindsight).
We agree on one thing - each of us is always right and has never had to admit we were wrong about anything. Denying that what you've said is inaccurate or comes from a biased viewpoint is a winning strategy and is usually best presented by following the other person's parlay with, "yeah, that's what I'm saying !"
My brother and I like to argue about politics when we talk on the phone. He likes to try and explain to me how everything George W. Bush did was in our best interest and how Obama was screwing things up even before he was in office by the simple fact of his Democratness. He is quick to point out that every good idea was and always will be a Republican idea and that any good idea a Democrat comes up with is just something the Republican party forgot to lay claim to before they realized it was a good idea.
I counter by pointing out that a good amount of Republicans have been involved in scandals in the last few years. He makes the case that they were seen as Republicans only because the Republicans didn't have enough time to distance themselves and lay the groundwork for deniability before the bad news made it into the widespread media. That's the problem, my wizened older brother says, with the media in general. They're too busy publishing bad coverage of Republicans or promoting Democratic falsehoods to really tell the truth that the Republican Party wants the public to know (when it revises history to make itself look better in hindsight).
We agree on one thing - each of us is always right and has never had to admit we were wrong about anything. Denying that what you've said is inaccurate or comes from a biased viewpoint is a winning strategy and is usually best presented by following the other person's parlay with, "yeah, that's what I'm saying !"
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Sat 5-23-2009 He’s Got an Anus Problem!
Sat 5-23-2009 He’s Got an Anus Problem!
My friend Ted from Chicago is a real character. Things are always happening to him that don’t seem to happen to anyone else. He took his dog to the vet one day and there was an old Jewish lady there with a poodle, which Ted was bending over to pet. As he was doing this, another lady was asking poodle lady what was ailing her little doggie. She says, “He’s got an anus problem”, then looked in Ted’s direction, who was still bent over with his ass in the air. Everyone in the waiting also looked that way and studied Ted, presumably to determine what he might have done to earn himself an anus problem. Ted just stood there like a deer in the headlights and blushed various shades of red.
Another time, Ted was doing a painting job for a lipstick lesbian couple who lived downtown. They were a very attractive couple, which everyone knows is the exception, not the rule. So at one point, he was taking a break and was sitting on their bed. He started thinking about all the erotic action their bed had seen over the years and stored up enough masturbatory fodder for the next couple of years.
My friend Ted from Chicago is a real character. Things are always happening to him that don’t seem to happen to anyone else. He took his dog to the vet one day and there was an old Jewish lady there with a poodle, which Ted was bending over to pet. As he was doing this, another lady was asking poodle lady what was ailing her little doggie. She says, “He’s got an anus problem”, then looked in Ted’s direction, who was still bent over with his ass in the air. Everyone in the waiting also looked that way and studied Ted, presumably to determine what he might have done to earn himself an anus problem. Ted just stood there like a deer in the headlights and blushed various shades of red.
Another time, Ted was doing a painting job for a lipstick lesbian couple who lived downtown. They were a very attractive couple, which everyone knows is the exception, not the rule. So at one point, he was taking a break and was sitting on their bed. He started thinking about all the erotic action their bed had seen over the years and stored up enough masturbatory fodder for the next couple of years.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Sat 5-23-2009 Phrase of the Day - Hot Girl Syndrome Explained
Sat 5-23-2009 Phrase of the Day - Hot Girl Syndrome Explained
Hot Girl Syndrome - This is simply the idea that a girl who is beautiful, sexy, cute, young or has a killer body isn’t very skilled or good in bed because (simply put) she doesn’t have to be. She’ll have no problem getting or keeping a boyfriend because he will usually be the envy of his friends and other guys in general. The real problem with a girl having this syndrome is that no girl is the only hot girl around and very few girls are always the hottest girl wherever they go. Eventually competition rears its ugly head and a more skilled or willing female enters the arena. Hotness levels fluctuate by zipcode, continent and for you trekkies, by galaxy.
Also, time plays a factor and at some point a hot girl will be competing with both younger and hotter girls and older, hotter girls ( your local cougar colony has many ladies that sport very low cut tops and don’t play the high-maintenance card thinking it is going to work for them). Young girls are starting to realize that a good-looking 25 year old guy is choosing a cougar over them because the head games and high maintenance of the twenty-somethings gets tiresome eventually. Most cougars are good to go when they see what they want and they are usually aware of what they are looking for.
They happen to have a little experience and know what to do with younger guys when they bring them back to their dens. The younger girls haven’t had to try very hard in bed and don’t have the experience of their feral feline counterparts. Fortunately, most of the ladies afflicted with hot girl syndrome eventually get into a relationship with a guy that they want to stay with and then they start to learn how to please their man. Those are the lessons no other girl or cougar will be able to take away from them.
Hot Girl Syndrome - This is simply the idea that a girl who is beautiful, sexy, cute, young or has a killer body isn’t very skilled or good in bed because (simply put) she doesn’t have to be. She’ll have no problem getting or keeping a boyfriend because he will usually be the envy of his friends and other guys in general. The real problem with a girl having this syndrome is that no girl is the only hot girl around and very few girls are always the hottest girl wherever they go. Eventually competition rears its ugly head and a more skilled or willing female enters the arena. Hotness levels fluctuate by zipcode, continent and for you trekkies, by galaxy.
Also, time plays a factor and at some point a hot girl will be competing with both younger and hotter girls and older, hotter girls ( your local cougar colony has many ladies that sport very low cut tops and don’t play the high-maintenance card thinking it is going to work for them). Young girls are starting to realize that a good-looking 25 year old guy is choosing a cougar over them because the head games and high maintenance of the twenty-somethings gets tiresome eventually. Most cougars are good to go when they see what they want and they are usually aware of what they are looking for.
They happen to have a little experience and know what to do with younger guys when they bring them back to their dens. The younger girls haven’t had to try very hard in bed and don’t have the experience of their feral feline counterparts. Fortunately, most of the ladies afflicted with hot girl syndrome eventually get into a relationship with a guy that they want to stay with and then they start to learn how to please their man. Those are the lessons no other girl or cougar will be able to take away from them.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Sun 5-17-2009 Word of the Day - Auto-Wilding.
Sun 5-17-2009 Word of the Day - Auto-Wilding.
Crimes committed and mayhem perpetrated while in the confines of a moving motor vehicle.
Crimes committed and mayhem perpetrated while in the confines of a moving motor vehicle.
Sat 5-16-2009 Ideas to Save the Publishing Industry
Sat 5-16-2009 Ideas to Save the Publishing Industry
Suburban Whore – a magazine for the modern woman.
Tweener Slut – for the 13 year old girl in all of us who wishes she was brave enough to wear all of the different colored wristbands.
Suburban Whore – a magazine for the modern woman.
Tweener Slut – for the 13 year old girl in all of us who wishes she was brave enough to wear all of the different colored wristbands.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Tue 4-28-2009 Letter To Chelsea Lately.
Tue 4-28-2009 Letter To Chelsea Lately.
Dear Chelsea;
You, my dear, are not simply borderline amazing, you are all the way, peddle to the metal amazing. Important note: I am not a gay male, I am simply giving credit where it is due. I’d also give kudos to Chuy for embracing and exploiting his nuggetness to the greatest extent possible. Self-exploitation is the best kind. If your staff is too awestruck or self-absorbed (read Heather McDonald) to tell you, then I will. Happy to do it. I applaud your ridicule of consistently douchebag personalities such as Heidi and Spencer (they don’t deserve the Speidi tag – they’re the lint on Amy Winehouse’s urine-soaked bikini). Anyway – you rock. I’m going to post this on my blog so that my non-existent (so far) reader base can learn the virtues of listening to Dr. Lately and Judge Lately when her font of wisdom is turned on high.
Your Non-Mormon Viewer and Fan,
B.G. Malarkey
Phoenix, AZ (Cougar Capitol of the World)
Dear Chelsea;
You, my dear, are not simply borderline amazing, you are all the way, peddle to the metal amazing. Important note: I am not a gay male, I am simply giving credit where it is due. I’d also give kudos to Chuy for embracing and exploiting his nuggetness to the greatest extent possible. Self-exploitation is the best kind. If your staff is too awestruck or self-absorbed (read Heather McDonald) to tell you, then I will. Happy to do it. I applaud your ridicule of consistently douchebag personalities such as Heidi and Spencer (they don’t deserve the Speidi tag – they’re the lint on Amy Winehouse’s urine-soaked bikini). Anyway – you rock. I’m going to post this on my blog so that my non-existent (so far) reader base can learn the virtues of listening to Dr. Lately and Judge Lately when her font of wisdom is turned on high.
Your Non-Mormon Viewer and Fan,
B.G. Malarkey
Phoenix, AZ (Cougar Capitol of the World)
Mon 5-11-2009 Ben-cyclopedia Word of the Day
Mon 5-11-2009 Ben-cyclopedia Word of the Day
Redress – the act of putting your clothes back on following a certain period of shameful or shameless activity.
Redress – the act of putting your clothes back on following a certain period of shameful or shameless activity.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Sat 3-21-2009 I Can’t Just Gather, I Need to Hunt!
Sat 3-21-2009 I Can’t Just Gather, I Need to Hunt!
I met quite a few stay-at-home dads at my cousin’s house recently and I think it’s a noble, difficult thing to do. I’m not sure I could do it. Many people think that being in the workplace is just about a paycheck, but in reality it has as much to do with your sense of personal identity and sense of self worth as it does with money. Friendships form at work and you are known as much by the work you do as by any other characteristic people would use to describe you.
Those who have won the lottery find this out when they realize that all their friends are still going to work every day and they feel weird, alienated and out of the loop. At the same time that these friends of theirs are envying their wealth, they may be envying the worker for having the same feelings of belonging that they no longer possess. They aren’t in the same situation as their friends anymore.
This sense of dislocation has nothing to do with the money they used to make at their old job. They no longer know who they are, where they belong or who their true friends really are. The same is also true f the modern day househusband or hausmeister as my German peeps might say. As much as stay-at-home dads can adjust to their new role over time, it still seems to go against the grain of the life they had known up to that point. They were the hunter who went out with confidence and determination to gather goods and services for their families with whatever skills they have developed over the years.
Now the man in the household is picking berries by the roadside while the Mrs. is wielding a machete in the urban jungle. She’s hacking a trail to find new sources of food, water, clothing and shelter while the hubby tends the home fires and she fends off the attentions of horny male co-workers.
All of this becomes a huge disconnect from the way things were. I think the idea of a huntress out in the jungle is a pretty exciting thing. She bares her teeth and claws during the workday, scrapping and scraping. At night, she goes home to snuggle with the cubs and takes turns protecting the den from intruders and outsiders. For guys, the female cop, the lady construction worker or a cute, feminine delivery driver is a huge thumbs-up. A good looking girl in typically male roles is intriguing indeed. Like the bikini-clad, tanned beauty wielding a machine gun, pinup style!
I met quite a few stay-at-home dads at my cousin’s house recently and I think it’s a noble, difficult thing to do. I’m not sure I could do it. Many people think that being in the workplace is just about a paycheck, but in reality it has as much to do with your sense of personal identity and sense of self worth as it does with money. Friendships form at work and you are known as much by the work you do as by any other characteristic people would use to describe you.
Those who have won the lottery find this out when they realize that all their friends are still going to work every day and they feel weird, alienated and out of the loop. At the same time that these friends of theirs are envying their wealth, they may be envying the worker for having the same feelings of belonging that they no longer possess. They aren’t in the same situation as their friends anymore.
This sense of dislocation has nothing to do with the money they used to make at their old job. They no longer know who they are, where they belong or who their true friends really are. The same is also true f the modern day househusband or hausmeister as my German peeps might say. As much as stay-at-home dads can adjust to their new role over time, it still seems to go against the grain of the life they had known up to that point. They were the hunter who went out with confidence and determination to gather goods and services for their families with whatever skills they have developed over the years.
Now the man in the household is picking berries by the roadside while the Mrs. is wielding a machete in the urban jungle. She’s hacking a trail to find new sources of food, water, clothing and shelter while the hubby tends the home fires and she fends off the attentions of horny male co-workers.
All of this becomes a huge disconnect from the way things were. I think the idea of a huntress out in the jungle is a pretty exciting thing. She bares her teeth and claws during the workday, scrapping and scraping. At night, she goes home to snuggle with the cubs and takes turns protecting the den from intruders and outsiders. For guys, the female cop, the lady construction worker or a cute, feminine delivery driver is a huge thumbs-up. A good looking girl in typically male roles is intriguing indeed. Like the bikini-clad, tanned beauty wielding a machine gun, pinup style!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tue 4-14-2009 No Regrets
Tue 4-14-2009 No Regrets
My friend Nano says she’s going to get another tattoo. It’s going to be some sort of scattered star pattern or something. She wants to cover up another tattoo she had done on her stomach when she thought she and her fiancée were actually going to get married. A pretty good idea, I thought. I wouldn’t be too excited about a girl who had some other dude’s name tattooed all over her body – especially if it was on her butt and it said: “this ass belongs to Dave.”
My friend Nano says she’s going to get another tattoo. It’s going to be some sort of scattered star pattern or something. She wants to cover up another tattoo she had done on her stomach when she thought she and her fiancée were actually going to get married. A pretty good idea, I thought. I wouldn’t be too excited about a girl who had some other dude’s name tattooed all over her body – especially if it was on her butt and it said: “this ass belongs to Dave.”
Sun 3-29-2009 This World Of Ours
Sun 3-29-2009 This World Of Ours
I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The bad news – let’s get it out of the way – is that we come into this world and we go out of it alone. The good news is that along the way, the lucky ones of us will meet and be around people who will make our lives better and more interesting than they would have been otherwise. These people make the days go by faster, the days seem like less of a drag and we find ourselves trying to become better people for our friends.
I have a few friends like this. From time to time, they really surprise me with the things they do and say. The down side to this, of course, is that I then feel like I have to do something good to surprise them. This is the most positive version of one-upsmanship I’ve ever heard of. As long as it makes me a better person, I guess it’s all to the good.
I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The bad news – let’s get it out of the way – is that we come into this world and we go out of it alone. The good news is that along the way, the lucky ones of us will meet and be around people who will make our lives better and more interesting than they would have been otherwise. These people make the days go by faster, the days seem like less of a drag and we find ourselves trying to become better people for our friends.
I have a few friends like this. From time to time, they really surprise me with the things they do and say. The down side to this, of course, is that I then feel like I have to do something good to surprise them. This is the most positive version of one-upsmanship I’ve ever heard of. As long as it makes me a better person, I guess it’s all to the good.
Mon 3-23-2009 Ducks in the pool.
Mon 3-23-2009 Ducks in the pool.
I was driving around today and saw something floating in the community pool on my normal route. I went over to get closer look and saw that it was a family of ducks swimming around in the Condo Association pool. Then as I was leaving the complex, I noticed a poster with a picture of a little white rat on it that was lost by its owner. Her name was Nuffle Bunny and apparently the little white and beige girl-rat has medical issues. Don’t we all? The next day, I saw a hawk flying around the complex about 50 feet off the deck. Things don’t look so good for Nuffle Bunny.
I was driving around today and saw something floating in the community pool on my normal route. I went over to get closer look and saw that it was a family of ducks swimming around in the Condo Association pool. Then as I was leaving the complex, I noticed a poster with a picture of a little white rat on it that was lost by its owner. Her name was Nuffle Bunny and apparently the little white and beige girl-rat has medical issues. Don’t we all? The next day, I saw a hawk flying around the complex about 50 feet off the deck. Things don’t look so good for Nuffle Bunny.
Sun 3-22 -2009 You Don’t Know What It’s Like…
Sun 3-22 -2009 You Don’t Know What It’s Like…
My little friend Nano was telling me some things the other evening when we were at a happy hour celebration for our co-worker Tamara. She’s a beautiful, petite Italian girl who seems to always find the wrong guys. I was saying something about how she can walk up to any guy or even just look at him and she could leave the bar with that guy. She said, “It’s really not as easy as you think!” I was like, yeah right, guys are much easier for girls to talk to than girls are for guys to approach. It’s like apples and mangoes. We’ve been trained to believe that if we hit on a girl, we are being cheesy or douchey. By hit on, I mean saying hi to her.
If a girl shows a guy that she’s interested in him, it goes pretty easily from there. With girls, when you talk to them, they like to give you twenty questions, put you through the paces, measure you up, check your wallet, ask about your job and career and find out if your family has money they could inherit one day. I told my therapist this theory a few months ago and she thought I was getting a little too cynical and jaded.
My little friend Nano was telling me some things the other evening when we were at a happy hour celebration for our co-worker Tamara. She’s a beautiful, petite Italian girl who seems to always find the wrong guys. I was saying something about how she can walk up to any guy or even just look at him and she could leave the bar with that guy. She said, “It’s really not as easy as you think!” I was like, yeah right, guys are much easier for girls to talk to than girls are for guys to approach. It’s like apples and mangoes. We’ve been trained to believe that if we hit on a girl, we are being cheesy or douchey. By hit on, I mean saying hi to her.
If a girl shows a guy that she’s interested in him, it goes pretty easily from there. With girls, when you talk to them, they like to give you twenty questions, put you through the paces, measure you up, check your wallet, ask about your job and career and find out if your family has money they could inherit one day. I told my therapist this theory a few months ago and she thought I was getting a little too cynical and jaded.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Sun 3-22-2009 Happy Hour! Show Me The Beer!
Sun 3-22-2009 Happy Hour! Show Me The Beer!
How can you not love a show called Happy Hour? It involves an attractive, busty female host; it discusses business, investing, money and the stock market. There are frequent bouts of heated discussion and arguments (just like Thanksgiving with the family). There is a segment where the host walks around and plays 20 questions with strangers in the bar to ask them what kind of business they’re in and what brings them to New York City. Did I mention it takes place in a bar right near Wall Street, the financial capital of the world? Oh yeah – it takes place in a bar!! If the title hadn’t already been taken, they could have called it The Man Show.
How can you not love a show called Happy Hour? It involves an attractive, busty female host; it discusses business, investing, money and the stock market. There are frequent bouts of heated discussion and arguments (just like Thanksgiving with the family). There is a segment where the host walks around and plays 20 questions with strangers in the bar to ask them what kind of business they’re in and what brings them to New York City. Did I mention it takes place in a bar right near Wall Street, the financial capital of the world? Oh yeah – it takes place in a bar!! If the title hadn’t already been taken, they could have called it The Man Show.
Thu 4-2-2009 Crash is Back, Back Again!
Thu 4-2-2009 Crash is Back, Back Again!
There’s a little, slightly embarrassing ritual I engage in pretty much every day as soon as I get home from work. I dance around in my living room while holding my cat Crash and we dance to the tune of Shady’s Back from Eminem. In the name of full disclosure, I just thought you should know.
There’s a little, slightly embarrassing ritual I engage in pretty much every day as soon as I get home from work. I dance around in my living room while holding my cat Crash and we dance to the tune of Shady’s Back from Eminem. In the name of full disclosure, I just thought you should know.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Fri 3-20-2009 Lemmings at the Cliff.
Fri 3-20-2009 Lemmings at the Cliff.
The political and environmental concerns followed and acted on by the peers of my high school days have been replaced by 17 year-old douchebags in training driving daddy’s Escalade with 22 inch rims, thinking they’re going to get out of school and be handed a $100 K job like it’s candy.
Political parties in general and the Republican party specifically have thrived in any environment or period of group think. When people start researching and checking facts, not accepting the words of talking heads at face value, this is when politicians get very concerned. It causes them to realize there may come a day when they’ll have to work for a living. Freestyle, NB Zero
The political and environmental concerns followed and acted on by the peers of my high school days have been replaced by 17 year-old douchebags in training driving daddy’s Escalade with 22 inch rims, thinking they’re going to get out of school and be handed a $100 K job like it’s candy.
Political parties in general and the Republican party specifically have thrived in any environment or period of group think. When people start researching and checking facts, not accepting the words of talking heads at face value, this is when politicians get very concerned. It causes them to realize there may come a day when they’ll have to work for a living. Freestyle, NB Zero
Sat 3-21-2009 Ben-cyclopedia Made Up Words Phrases Update!
Sat 3-21-2009 Ben-cyclopedia Made Up Words and Phrases Update!
Spreading the awesome – to review this means spending time with a wide variety of different people so they can all be exposed to the awesomeness that is ME. Made up by ME.
Bum snake – a big, healthy deuce-dropping that resembles a python in its size, scariness and deadliness. Made up by ME.
Irish nap – when you are going into the bedroom drunk to pass out for the night and you hit the floor before you make it to the bed. Made up by ME.
Mommery – a colony or collection of hot moms or MILFs who happen to be in the same place at the same time so that male bystanders and all around dirty-minded male perverts can enjoy their collective hotness and use it as fodder for filthy fantasies. Made up by ME.
Amazingness – the act or condition of being amazing. This can refer to Clay Aiken, the Octomom, Heidi and Spencer or Paula Abdul. See also – Republic of Douchbagerie.
Milf-tastic – the condition of being a hot mom or mom I’d like to fuck. Made up by ME.
Titty patriot – refers to girls who free their titties from the unfair bondage of brassieres for the betterment and enjoyment of all humanity. Made up by ME. NB 11
Bartendress – female bartender, usually hot, sociable, friendly, with a rocking body and wearing very tight fitting spandex outfits because it’s the “required uniform – wink, wink.” It has nothing to do with the fact that their ass and tits look amazing in their outfit or that it increases the tips they receive. Made up by ME. NB 10
Bestness – compliments of the TV show Dollhouse starring Eliza Dushku. It means the act or condition of being the best at something. In this case she was referring to Bonnie and Clyde, the bank robbing duo.
Funner – the comparative of the word fun. Compliments of Bethanny from the TV show The Real Housewives of New York City. As in “this is one of the more funner experiences I ‘ve ever had.”
I cheers to you – means I am toasting you with an alcoholic beverage in my glass and I can’t express this action in any clearer way. Same source as above – Bethanny.
Spreading the awesome – to review this means spending time with a wide variety of different people so they can all be exposed to the awesomeness that is ME. Made up by ME.
Bum snake – a big, healthy deuce-dropping that resembles a python in its size, scariness and deadliness. Made up by ME.
Irish nap – when you are going into the bedroom drunk to pass out for the night and you hit the floor before you make it to the bed. Made up by ME.
Mommery – a colony or collection of hot moms or MILFs who happen to be in the same place at the same time so that male bystanders and all around dirty-minded male perverts can enjoy their collective hotness and use it as fodder for filthy fantasies. Made up by ME.
Amazingness – the act or condition of being amazing. This can refer to Clay Aiken, the Octomom, Heidi and Spencer or Paula Abdul. See also – Republic of Douchbagerie.
Milf-tastic – the condition of being a hot mom or mom I’d like to fuck. Made up by ME.
Titty patriot – refers to girls who free their titties from the unfair bondage of brassieres for the betterment and enjoyment of all humanity. Made up by ME. NB 11
Bartendress – female bartender, usually hot, sociable, friendly, with a rocking body and wearing very tight fitting spandex outfits because it’s the “required uniform – wink, wink.” It has nothing to do with the fact that their ass and tits look amazing in their outfit or that it increases the tips they receive. Made up by ME. NB 10
Bestness – compliments of the TV show Dollhouse starring Eliza Dushku. It means the act or condition of being the best at something. In this case she was referring to Bonnie and Clyde, the bank robbing duo.
Funner – the comparative of the word fun. Compliments of Bethanny from the TV show The Real Housewives of New York City. As in “this is one of the more funner experiences I ‘ve ever had.”
I cheers to you – means I am toasting you with an alcoholic beverage in my glass and I can’t express this action in any clearer way. Same source as above – Bethanny.
Thu 3-19-2009 A C with a K? Or Vicey Versie?
Thu 3-19-2009 A C with a K? Or Vicey Versie?
Most of the girls I’ve dated or have been attracted to have names starting with the “kuh” sound. My first crush – Kristen Nielsen. First girlfriend – Chrissy Vincenzo. Last girlfriend before getting married: Christine. Recent crush – Kelli, then Kristen. Girls I think are cute: Christina D., Karen, Christina C., Misti and Misty. Mostly C’s and K’s. What’s up with that? NB 10
Most of the girls I’ve dated or have been attracted to have names starting with the “kuh” sound. My first crush – Kristen Nielsen. First girlfriend – Chrissy Vincenzo. Last girlfriend before getting married: Christine. Recent crush – Kelli, then Kristen. Girls I think are cute: Christina D., Karen, Christina C., Misti and Misty. Mostly C’s and K’s. What’s up with that? NB 10
Wed 3-18-2009 My New Dream Girl - Her Name Is Karen!
Wed 3-18-2009 My New Dream Girl - Her Name Is Karen!
I just saw for the first time yesterday the owner of the bar that I go to pretty regularly and she’s quite a cutie. Probably in her early 30’s with long brown hair and a great body too! Of course, I’m only interested in her bedroom skills, not her business skills. The fact that she owns a bar and has access to vast quantities of beer is just a bonus. I’m always joking when I say something like I need a sugar mama, because I don’t think I’m the kind of guy who could just sit around the house. I need to be out in the world mixing with humanity. I do appreciate a girl that understands the business world and gets things done. We made eye contact a couple of different times as she was talking to some liquor vendors. Update – then just yesterday, Friday, the phone in the bar rang and I realized she was watching the bar from the cameras in the ceiling through her laptop at home. She told the bar manager to offer me another drink because it looked like I was about to run dry. I thought that was sweet. Seconds before I had joked around after she got off the phone and asked the bar manager if the phone call had been for me. Turns out it was, in a way! NB 10
I just saw for the first time yesterday the owner of the bar that I go to pretty regularly and she’s quite a cutie. Probably in her early 30’s with long brown hair and a great body too! Of course, I’m only interested in her bedroom skills, not her business skills. The fact that she owns a bar and has access to vast quantities of beer is just a bonus. I’m always joking when I say something like I need a sugar mama, because I don’t think I’m the kind of guy who could just sit around the house. I need to be out in the world mixing with humanity. I do appreciate a girl that understands the business world and gets things done. We made eye contact a couple of different times as she was talking to some liquor vendors. Update – then just yesterday, Friday, the phone in the bar rang and I realized she was watching the bar from the cameras in the ceiling through her laptop at home. She told the bar manager to offer me another drink because it looked like I was about to run dry. I thought that was sweet. Seconds before I had joked around after she got off the phone and asked the bar manager if the phone call had been for me. Turns out it was, in a way! NB 10
Wed 3-18-2009 My Bartender, My Priestess!
Wed 3-18-2009 My Bartender, My Priestess!
Michelle, one of my favorite bartendresses (alert – new made up word) is a pretty good listener and talker, which is my retard talk for / i.e. conversationalist. I was telling her the other day about how I had a therapy appointment to go to on the evening of St. Patty’s Day. By the way, I religiously celebrate the major drinking holidays – Cinco de Mayo, Spring Break, Octoberfest, Halloween, Fat Tuesday, New Year’s Eve, etc. I told her that I hoped I wasn’t going to end up having wasted another 5 years of my life fixing a relationship that just wasn’t going to work out after all. She said she had wasted 6 years in the same fashion, so she knew what I was talking about. Maybe there is something to this. Bartenders may be the new priests or maybe they’ve always been so, and I’m just realizing it now. It doesn’t hurt that she’s got a good personality and she’s well built. She also has a good, bawdy sense of humor, which of course earns her big points with me. NB 10
Michelle, one of my favorite bartendresses (alert – new made up word) is a pretty good listener and talker, which is my retard talk for / i.e. conversationalist. I was telling her the other day about how I had a therapy appointment to go to on the evening of St. Patty’s Day. By the way, I religiously celebrate the major drinking holidays – Cinco de Mayo, Spring Break, Octoberfest, Halloween, Fat Tuesday, New Year’s Eve, etc. I told her that I hoped I wasn’t going to end up having wasted another 5 years of my life fixing a relationship that just wasn’t going to work out after all. She said she had wasted 6 years in the same fashion, so she knew what I was talking about. Maybe there is something to this. Bartenders may be the new priests or maybe they’ve always been so, and I’m just realizing it now. It doesn’t hurt that she’s got a good personality and she’s well built. She also has a good, bawdy sense of humor, which of course earns her big points with me. NB 10
Mon 3-16-2009 Play With Misti For Me!
Mon 3-16-2009 Play With Misti For Me!
Lately I’ve met a few girls named Misti / Misty. Both are very cute – good bodies, nice personalities and a pretty good sense of humor too. My dental hygienist, Misti with an I, was joking around with me quite a bit before she got down to the nitty gritty of actually cleaning my teeth. She’s a cute, athletic brunette in her late 20’s with a great smile (of course) and a very light-hearted way about her.
The other girl, Misty with a y, is a blonde with a rocking body and she’s a new bartendress (new made up word alert) at one of my favorite bars. Uncertain and tentative since she’s only worker there a week or so, but sometimes shyness is a nice trait in girls. There’s only so much, brash, ballsy behavior you can take when it’s coming from a female. While working, she dances around a little and sings along with the music in the bar. She probably just needs someone to get her out of her shell and crack her open. NB 10
Lately I’ve met a few girls named Misti / Misty. Both are very cute – good bodies, nice personalities and a pretty good sense of humor too. My dental hygienist, Misti with an I, was joking around with me quite a bit before she got down to the nitty gritty of actually cleaning my teeth. She’s a cute, athletic brunette in her late 20’s with a great smile (of course) and a very light-hearted way about her.
The other girl, Misty with a y, is a blonde with a rocking body and she’s a new bartendress (new made up word alert) at one of my favorite bars. Uncertain and tentative since she’s only worker there a week or so, but sometimes shyness is a nice trait in girls. There’s only so much, brash, ballsy behavior you can take when it’s coming from a female. While working, she dances around a little and sings along with the music in the bar. She probably just needs someone to get her out of her shell and crack her open. NB 10
Mon 3-2-2009 Do I Look Fat In This Body?
Mon 3-2-2009 Do I Look Fat In This Body?
I was at work the other day when one of my drinking buddies walks by and says, “Wow, you’ve got a big belly!” When I went back to my workstation and asked my work neighbor Eva, if I looked fat, Mary – another girl nearby, almost choked on her breakfast because she was laughing so hard. I often do that at work – say strange and ridiculous things that take my co-workers by surprise. I also spend a lot of time checking out my two female managers’ bubble butts as they wiggle their way across the workroom floor. They both wear the tight black lycra business pants that are so popular here in Phoenix. The way June Lee walks around with her ass sashaying from side to side while it’s stuffed into tight, faded jeans is something to witness. I get visions of bending her over her desk and smacking that ass. Then, watching her ass bounce while I drill into her core with her wet panties stuffed into her mouth to keep her moans from getting too loud. NB 10
I was at work the other day when one of my drinking buddies walks by and says, “Wow, you’ve got a big belly!” When I went back to my workstation and asked my work neighbor Eva, if I looked fat, Mary – another girl nearby, almost choked on her breakfast because she was laughing so hard. I often do that at work – say strange and ridiculous things that take my co-workers by surprise. I also spend a lot of time checking out my two female managers’ bubble butts as they wiggle their way across the workroom floor. They both wear the tight black lycra business pants that are so popular here in Phoenix. The way June Lee walks around with her ass sashaying from side to side while it’s stuffed into tight, faded jeans is something to witness. I get visions of bending her over her desk and smacking that ass. Then, watching her ass bounce while I drill into her core with her wet panties stuffed into her mouth to keep her moans from getting too loud. NB 10
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Wed 3-18-2009 My Zen / Existential Moment.
Wed 3-18-2009 My Zen / Existential Moment.
Look below to the posted titled The Way We Was and in paragraph four you will see the very first quotable Zen philosophy I ever came up with (when I wasn't drunk). And I quote (myself):
"The stones in your shoes eventually become part of the path you travel down each and every day on the way to wherever it is you are going!"
To quote my hot, blonde comedienne hero, Cheslea Handler, what I've just said is "borderline amazing!" I didn't know I had it in me. Now, to commemorate this occasion, I will make this limited time offer, not available in any stores; if you are an attractive, lonely young female living in the Southwestern United States and you would like me to put some of my amazingness (-new made up word alert !!!! ) into you - and I mean deep, deep into you - I am willing to do so for a very modest fee. This does not make me a male whore. It means I am an entrepreneur. If you also happen to have low self-esteem (my fingers are crossed), I am even willing to give you a discount, without presenting any coupons.
Let's read on, now, shall we class? The following sentence that you will see below is also borderline amazing:
"Those stones become your foundation, the building blocks of your resolve that things will change – and that your life will be different."
Wow - I have to say that I am pretty impressed with myself for pouring forth these words of wisdom to feed the thirst of the ignorant masses I encounter each and every day. That was good too!! I am really on a roll - this stuff is rolling off my brain like butta as my Jewish friends say. I did it again - I need to stop myself before I reinvent the entire English language or start a religion or something.
I will finish this post today by quoting a great redheaded American - you know who are.
And she said - "You are an ass !!"
Look below to the posted titled The Way We Was and in paragraph four you will see the very first quotable Zen philosophy I ever came up with (when I wasn't drunk). And I quote (myself):
"The stones in your shoes eventually become part of the path you travel down each and every day on the way to wherever it is you are going!"
To quote my hot, blonde comedienne hero, Cheslea Handler, what I've just said is "borderline amazing!" I didn't know I had it in me. Now, to commemorate this occasion, I will make this limited time offer, not available in any stores; if you are an attractive, lonely young female living in the Southwestern United States and you would like me to put some of my amazingness (-new made up word alert !!!! ) into you - and I mean deep, deep into you - I am willing to do so for a very modest fee. This does not make me a male whore. It means I am an entrepreneur. If you also happen to have low self-esteem (my fingers are crossed), I am even willing to give you a discount, without presenting any coupons.
Let's read on, now, shall we class? The following sentence that you will see below is also borderline amazing:
"Those stones become your foundation, the building blocks of your resolve that things will change – and that your life will be different."
Wow - I have to say that I am pretty impressed with myself for pouring forth these words of wisdom to feed the thirst of the ignorant masses I encounter each and every day. That was good too!! I am really on a roll - this stuff is rolling off my brain like butta as my Jewish friends say. I did it again - I need to stop myself before I reinvent the entire English language or start a religion or something.
I will finish this post today by quoting a great redheaded American - you know who are.
And she said - "You are an ass !!"
Thu 2-19-2009 The Way We Was
Thu 2-19-2009 The Way We Was
Everybody believes that the pivotal moments in their childhood or life are remembered the same way by the other people who were there. This is almost never the case. The reality is that these moments were only pivotal and defining in your own experience. They barely remember that they even happened. Their minds were elsewhere, thinking about things you never knew about or even thought of.
The kid who picked on you at summer camp and the pack of hyenas that made your high school years miserable have no recollection of those events. They were dwelling on the traumas and neuroses that turned them into such dicks in the first place. They had an alcoholic mother or abusive father, or maybe a crazy uncle who bought them lingerie or gay porn when they were 8 years old. These are their pivotal moments which haunt their existence on a daily basis. For some, the root causes are not as dramatic as this, but it’s always something if you dig down deep enough to the core problem.
Compared to their defining moments, yours are non-starters, not even in the same league. Don’t hold it against them. You are both different people than you were then, and this past that haunts you also molded you into who you are today. If there are any parts of yourself that have redeeming qualities, you might even owe them a thank you in a twisted sort of way.
Their act of being an asshole to you those many years ago turned you into a better, stronger version of yourself.
Good or bad, most experiences happen for a reason, and it takes time to figure it out. The stones in your shoes eventually become part of the path you travel down each and every day on the way to wherever it is you are going! Those stones become your foundation, the building blocks of your resolve that things will change – and that your life will be different.
Everybody believes that the pivotal moments in their childhood or life are remembered the same way by the other people who were there. This is almost never the case. The reality is that these moments were only pivotal and defining in your own experience. They barely remember that they even happened. Their minds were elsewhere, thinking about things you never knew about or even thought of.
The kid who picked on you at summer camp and the pack of hyenas that made your high school years miserable have no recollection of those events. They were dwelling on the traumas and neuroses that turned them into such dicks in the first place. They had an alcoholic mother or abusive father, or maybe a crazy uncle who bought them lingerie or gay porn when they were 8 years old. These are their pivotal moments which haunt their existence on a daily basis. For some, the root causes are not as dramatic as this, but it’s always something if you dig down deep enough to the core problem.
Compared to their defining moments, yours are non-starters, not even in the same league. Don’t hold it against them. You are both different people than you were then, and this past that haunts you also molded you into who you are today. If there are any parts of yourself that have redeeming qualities, you might even owe them a thank you in a twisted sort of way.
Their act of being an asshole to you those many years ago turned you into a better, stronger version of yourself.
Good or bad, most experiences happen for a reason, and it takes time to figure it out. The stones in your shoes eventually become part of the path you travel down each and every day on the way to wherever it is you are going! Those stones become your foundation, the building blocks of your resolve that things will change – and that your life will be different.
Wed 3-18-2009 Quote of the Day
Wed 3-18-2009 Quote of the Day
“Beer is living proof that God loves us!” – Benjamin Franklin
“Beer is living proof that God loves us!” – Benjamin Franklin
Wed 3 -18-2009 Great Facts About Beer.
Wed 3 -18-2009 Great Facts About Beer.
Henceforth, let it be known:
Beer is older than wine and simpler to make.
The oldest existing written tablets (cuneiform) record the recipe for making beer.
Beer-making used to be entrusted only to priests in the ancient world.
Henceforth, let it be known:
Beer is older than wine and simpler to make.
The oldest existing written tablets (cuneiform) record the recipe for making beer.
Beer-making used to be entrusted only to priests in the ancient world.
Wed 3-18-2009 Made Up Word – “Irish Nap”
Wed 3-18-2009 Made Up Word of the Day – “Irish Nap”
Get Your Irish Down!
In honor of St. Patty’s Day, which just occurred yesterday, I offer this bit of colloquial vocabulary building: a new made up word I just came up with to celebrate this festive drinking holiday.
Irish Nap – when you walk into your bedroom after heavy drinking and hit the floor before you can make it to the bed.
Get Your Irish Down!
In honor of St. Patty’s Day, which just occurred yesterday, I offer this bit of colloquial vocabulary building: a new made up word I just came up with to celebrate this festive drinking holiday.
Irish Nap – when you walk into your bedroom after heavy drinking and hit the floor before you can make it to the bed.
Sun 3-15-2009 I Hate the Ice Cream Man!
Sun 3-15-2009 The Ides of March
Score One for Our Side
When I was younger, I developed a real dislike for the ice cream who cruised our neighborhood trying to hawk his wares at the most inopportune times. Such as 9:30 PM at night right in front of my house in the cold, in Chicago, in March. The bells ringing from his truck, playing their gay and annoying songs, used to blow me out of bed just after I had passed out from the prescription meds I used nightly as a sleep aid. You really shouldn’t agitate a groggy and generally pissed off kid with anger management issues. It’s just not a good idea.
I would get my revenge, beginning back in grammar school, with the following tactic. We had another ice cream man who would annoy us during recess in the spring months as well. You just couldn’t get away from these fucking guys. I guess in the mid-eighties, pedophilia was considered a growth enterprise. During lunch hour, we would play softball in the parking lot outside of school while the ice cream man sat there parked, playing his gay tunes over and over again. He must have thought we were 6 year olds or something instead of 13, but he was obviously a slow learner, because nobody from my school ever bought anything from his truck the whole time I was in school there.
Anyway, on a number of occasions, I would be up to bat and he would be parked at the far end of the property with his serving counter window open for business. I would always try to hit the softball through the window, aspiring to nail him in the junk. What can I say – I was a real prick as a kid. Did I mention my anger issues? I still remember with vivid fondness the day I was finally successful. I walloped the ball through the window and hit Mr. Ice Cream Man right in the leg. From across the parking lot you could hear a small voice say “Owww!”. Everyone on my team cheered my exceptional athletic ability, which is the only time in my entire life that that has ever happened. I did a victory lap around the bases “Chariots of Fire” style, clasping my arms together above from head from side to side in the tradition of Roman Gladiators. NB Zero/Freestyle.
Score One for Our Side
When I was younger, I developed a real dislike for the ice cream who cruised our neighborhood trying to hawk his wares at the most inopportune times. Such as 9:30 PM at night right in front of my house in the cold, in Chicago, in March. The bells ringing from his truck, playing their gay and annoying songs, used to blow me out of bed just after I had passed out from the prescription meds I used nightly as a sleep aid. You really shouldn’t agitate a groggy and generally pissed off kid with anger management issues. It’s just not a good idea.
I would get my revenge, beginning back in grammar school, with the following tactic. We had another ice cream man who would annoy us during recess in the spring months as well. You just couldn’t get away from these fucking guys. I guess in the mid-eighties, pedophilia was considered a growth enterprise. During lunch hour, we would play softball in the parking lot outside of school while the ice cream man sat there parked, playing his gay tunes over and over again. He must have thought we were 6 year olds or something instead of 13, but he was obviously a slow learner, because nobody from my school ever bought anything from his truck the whole time I was in school there.
Anyway, on a number of occasions, I would be up to bat and he would be parked at the far end of the property with his serving counter window open for business. I would always try to hit the softball through the window, aspiring to nail him in the junk. What can I say – I was a real prick as a kid. Did I mention my anger issues? I still remember with vivid fondness the day I was finally successful. I walloped the ball through the window and hit Mr. Ice Cream Man right in the leg. From across the parking lot you could hear a small voice say “Owww!”. Everyone on my team cheered my exceptional athletic ability, which is the only time in my entire life that that has ever happened. I did a victory lap around the bases “Chariots of Fire” style, clasping my arms together above from head from side to side in the tradition of Roman Gladiators. NB Zero/Freestyle.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Mon 3/9/2009 A Bad Day All Around
Mon 3-9-2009 A Bad Day All Around!!
I woke up and realized my farts smelled like brunschweiger (liver sausage) which even in its freshest state doesn’t smell too good. I looked in the mirror at work and realized I had 80’s porno hair. By noon, I was riding in my truck, it was getting warmer outside and I knew I had swampass because I could smell my own butt.
I got home finally and my cat started licking me, thinking I was too sick to clean myself. When the other cat started doing it too, I made myself a drink. I didn’t know I had mixed prune juice and vodka until I spent all afternoon in the bathroom. My girlfriend came home just long enough to break up with me before going to Cabo with her company-owning boyfriend Mitchell. What a whirlwind!!
I woke up and realized my farts smelled like brunschweiger (liver sausage) which even in its freshest state doesn’t smell too good. I looked in the mirror at work and realized I had 80’s porno hair. By noon, I was riding in my truck, it was getting warmer outside and I knew I had swampass because I could smell my own butt.
I got home finally and my cat started licking me, thinking I was too sick to clean myself. When the other cat started doing it too, I made myself a drink. I didn’t know I had mixed prune juice and vodka until I spent all afternoon in the bathroom. My girlfriend came home just long enough to break up with me before going to Cabo with her company-owning boyfriend Mitchell. What a whirlwind!!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
A Short Sip of Hot Chocolate!
Sun 3-8-2009
A Short Sip of Hot Chocolate!
My therapist is a petite, young, African-American hottie! She usually wears skintight jeans, tight tops and leather boots for our sessions. Her ensemble always accentuates her curves very well and makes me wish she’d let me delve deeper into our relationship. Her breasts usually seem to overpower the elastic qualities of the tops she’s wearing and they are very mouthwatering to look at. Her sexy, baby-bearing hips support her generous, well-rounded backside but she’s also in very good shape. Her short hair framer her face nicely and lets me focus on her sparkling eyes and full, pouty lips.
Needless to say, I find myself having to shift in my chair pretty often since my dick is hard the whole time and I keep thinking about how juicy and fragrant her pussy must get when it’s being licked. I wonder if she needs some whipped cream in her hot chocolate, and the sounds she would make when she’s coming. NB 11
A Short Sip of Hot Chocolate!
My therapist is a petite, young, African-American hottie! She usually wears skintight jeans, tight tops and leather boots for our sessions. Her ensemble always accentuates her curves very well and makes me wish she’d let me delve deeper into our relationship. Her breasts usually seem to overpower the elastic qualities of the tops she’s wearing and they are very mouthwatering to look at. Her sexy, baby-bearing hips support her generous, well-rounded backside but she’s also in very good shape. Her short hair framer her face nicely and lets me focus on her sparkling eyes and full, pouty lips.
Needless to say, I find myself having to shift in my chair pretty often since my dick is hard the whole time and I keep thinking about how juicy and fragrant her pussy must get when it’s being licked. I wonder if she needs some whipped cream in her hot chocolate, and the sounds she would make when she’s coming. NB 11
The Cornish Pasty Company !
Sun 3-8-2009
The Cornish Pasty Company !
I’m in heaven. Just a few blocks from my house is a restaurant slash bar that is designed in the working class or utilitarian style I like so much. It has subway tiles and stools supported by lengths of plumbing pipe at the bar area. On the walls are pictures of Cornish miners from the early 20th century. Some of the tables have chairs on one side and church pews on the other. The tables across from the bar are made of old wooden doors cut in half and covered with plexi-glass to create the flat eating surface. On the tables are green wine bottles covered with white wax from the tapers which have been dripping wax down them over time.
On draft, they have the beer I drank the whole time I was in the south of France last fall. Kronenbourg 1664 – delicious. They also have assorted microbrews from all over the place, as well as a smoking patio. The food is really pretty good! Greek salad, Italian pasty, Porky pasty, Royale with cheese, Philly cheesesteak pasty. I could go on and on, but you really need to try it for yourself. This one is on Dobson, just south of Guadelupe, but they have a Tempe location just off of University. From what I’ve heard, the new Mesa location is a little more roomy. NB 11
The Cornish Pasty Company !
I’m in heaven. Just a few blocks from my house is a restaurant slash bar that is designed in the working class or utilitarian style I like so much. It has subway tiles and stools supported by lengths of plumbing pipe at the bar area. On the walls are pictures of Cornish miners from the early 20th century. Some of the tables have chairs on one side and church pews on the other. The tables across from the bar are made of old wooden doors cut in half and covered with plexi-glass to create the flat eating surface. On the tables are green wine bottles covered with white wax from the tapers which have been dripping wax down them over time.
On draft, they have the beer I drank the whole time I was in the south of France last fall. Kronenbourg 1664 – delicious. They also have assorted microbrews from all over the place, as well as a smoking patio. The food is really pretty good! Greek salad, Italian pasty, Porky pasty, Royale with cheese, Philly cheesesteak pasty. I could go on and on, but you really need to try it for yourself. This one is on Dobson, just south of Guadelupe, but they have a Tempe location just off of University. From what I’ve heard, the new Mesa location is a little more roomy. NB 11
Meat and Potatoes or Meat and Meat ?
Sun 3-8-2009
Meat and Potatoes or Meat and Meat ?
Why do I love grilled steak so much? When I smell steak grilling on someone’s backyard BBQ on a Friday or Saturday afternoon and I recognize the delicious smell of Yoshida’s teriyaki marinade sizzling over a flame, I’m like Pavlov’s dog. My mouth starts watering and I begin having the urge to grunt like a caveman and shove charbroiled rib-eye into my gullet by the forkful. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but any girl can lure a guy into her bedroom for some lickety split just by doing one of two things. Attach freshly grilled steak to a string and drag it in front of his nose or tell him there’s a special beer cooler in the bedroom closet. NB 11
Meat and Potatoes or Meat and Meat ?
Why do I love grilled steak so much? When I smell steak grilling on someone’s backyard BBQ on a Friday or Saturday afternoon and I recognize the delicious smell of Yoshida’s teriyaki marinade sizzling over a flame, I’m like Pavlov’s dog. My mouth starts watering and I begin having the urge to grunt like a caveman and shove charbroiled rib-eye into my gullet by the forkful. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but any girl can lure a guy into her bedroom for some lickety split just by doing one of two things. Attach freshly grilled steak to a string and drag it in front of his nose or tell him there’s a special beer cooler in the bedroom closet. NB 11
Sun 3-8-2009 Where is the Klepto-bismol?
Sun 3-8-2009
Where is the Klepto-bismol?
I recently realized that I have a problem. I like pens- specifically I like stealing other people’s pens everywhere I go. I took one from my college registration office, two from another office, two from the U-haul rental place and I was disappointed with myself for not snagging one from my therapist’s office. On the other side, people at work have been stealing my pens away from me for months now. I get tired of replacing them, since the good ones get stolen and I don’t want to bring any more good ones from home. So I get stuck using crappy ones. As of now I’m still on the hunt for the best pen I can steal. NB 11
Where is the Klepto-bismol?
I recently realized that I have a problem. I like pens- specifically I like stealing other people’s pens everywhere I go. I took one from my college registration office, two from another office, two from the U-haul rental place and I was disappointed with myself for not snagging one from my therapist’s office. On the other side, people at work have been stealing my pens away from me for months now. I get tired of replacing them, since the good ones get stolen and I don’t want to bring any more good ones from home. So I get stuck using crappy ones. As of now I’m still on the hunt for the best pen I can steal. NB 11
Friday, March 6, 2009
3-6-2009 I need a what ??
Fri 3-6-2009 What’s In a Name ?
I was making my rounds today and happened to make a delivery to a decent looking young women. What’s the problem you say ? Her name was Anita Puta ! For reals, y’all !!
I was making my rounds today and happened to make a delivery to a decent looking young women. What’s the problem you say ? Her name was Anita Puta ! For reals, y’all !!
Sat 2-21-2009 Arrogance is a Trained Phenomenon !
Sat 2-21-2009 Arrogance is a Trained Phenomenon !
It’s hard to transcend the arrogance and hubris that you’ve been trained to embody. Most people can’t throw off the mantle of entitlement that they’ve been convinced is theirs to claim. It has become part of who they are and been intertwined with their core identity. This is the point at which you run the risk of venturing into a treacherous, much despised place called “The Republic of Douchebagerie”. Most people don’t realize the exact moment when they’ve crossed the border and only gain perspective on it when using hindsight some time later.
It’s hard to transcend the arrogance and hubris that you’ve been trained to embody. Most people can’t throw off the mantle of entitlement that they’ve been convinced is theirs to claim. It has become part of who they are and been intertwined with their core identity. This is the point at which you run the risk of venturing into a treacherous, much despised place called “The Republic of Douchebagerie”. Most people don’t realize the exact moment when they’ve crossed the border and only gain perspective on it when using hindsight some time later.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
2-1-2009 Super MILF 43 !!
Sun 2-1-2009 Super MILF 43 !!
I am at my cousin’s house watching the big game and I realize that all of her friends are good looking MILFs in their 30’s and early 40’s. They all have infants or toddlers running around the place and most of them are wearing very tight jeans and fitted tops. Also – pretty much everyone of them is a brunette – yummy !! Ding – I just made up a new word, mommery. Here we go !! So, I’m getting an eyeful of this mommery of hotness so I have fodder for later fantasies, when I find out that one of the girls is a cop. A motorcycle cop, no less !! Anyone who knows me can see that I truly appreciate a girl in uniform and Chandler has a couple of hotties with guns on their hips. I just saw the one who lives in my area doing her thing at a scene yesterday. Eventually, most of the MILFs realize I’m undressing them with my eyes and they scamper off to their husbands. Their husbands seem to realize their wives are power-MILFs so I’m guessing that the girls are the ones who earn more and the guys stay home. A few of the husbands are wearing baby carriers on their chests the whole time the game is going on and I begin to wonder if they breast feed their kids when no one is looking.
I have nothing against stay-at-home dads. In fact, I think it would be great seeing as I grew up without a father at all. I would handle it like a club, though. A couple times a week, I would get together with other dads and watch sports or movies and then at least once a month, we would invite some local talent from Babe’s or Christie’s to come by for entertainment. I was telling this to one of the MILFies and I said we would call someone Buckwheat or Alfalfa and I would be Spanky – just like in the old Our Gang show from the 1940’s.
She asked me why I would call myself Spanky and I said that’s a story for another time. When the “girltreat” or stripper was done with her little show, we would take up a collection from the dads until we had enough to entice her into a nice afternoon pass around so that all the sexually frustrated fathers could download into our guest professional hottie. Like all good stories, this one ends with a bang.
I am at my cousin’s house watching the big game and I realize that all of her friends are good looking MILFs in their 30’s and early 40’s. They all have infants or toddlers running around the place and most of them are wearing very tight jeans and fitted tops. Also – pretty much everyone of them is a brunette – yummy !! Ding – I just made up a new word, mommery. Here we go !! So, I’m getting an eyeful of this mommery of hotness so I have fodder for later fantasies, when I find out that one of the girls is a cop. A motorcycle cop, no less !! Anyone who knows me can see that I truly appreciate a girl in uniform and Chandler has a couple of hotties with guns on their hips. I just saw the one who lives in my area doing her thing at a scene yesterday. Eventually, most of the MILFs realize I’m undressing them with my eyes and they scamper off to their husbands. Their husbands seem to realize their wives are power-MILFs so I’m guessing that the girls are the ones who earn more and the guys stay home. A few of the husbands are wearing baby carriers on their chests the whole time the game is going on and I begin to wonder if they breast feed their kids when no one is looking.
I have nothing against stay-at-home dads. In fact, I think it would be great seeing as I grew up without a father at all. I would handle it like a club, though. A couple times a week, I would get together with other dads and watch sports or movies and then at least once a month, we would invite some local talent from Babe’s or Christie’s to come by for entertainment. I was telling this to one of the MILFies and I said we would call someone Buckwheat or Alfalfa and I would be Spanky – just like in the old Our Gang show from the 1940’s.
She asked me why I would call myself Spanky and I said that’s a story for another time. When the “girltreat” or stripper was done with her little show, we would take up a collection from the dads until we had enough to entice her into a nice afternoon pass around so that all the sexually frustrated fathers could download into our guest professional hottie. Like all good stories, this one ends with a bang.
1-25-2009 Definition of the Day
Sun 1-25-2009 Ben-cyclopedia Definition of the Day
Slutty girl – a girl who is confident enough in herself as a person to embrace her own sexuality, enjoy herself in bed, and ask for the things she wants from her partner. This is basically the same thing as WFW which stands for Well-Fucked Woman. Meaning a woman who embraces and even revels in her life as a sexual being and feels fulfilled and empowered by it.
Slutty girl – a girl who is confident enough in herself as a person to embrace her own sexuality, enjoy herself in bed, and ask for the things she wants from her partner. This is basically the same thing as WFW which stands for Well-Fucked Woman. Meaning a woman who embraces and even revels in her life as a sexual being and feels fulfilled and empowered by it.
1-23-2009 One Stepford Wife, Please !!
1-23-2009 One Stepford Wife, Please !!
So last week, a number of my peeps from work were at my friend Merita’s house watching the game. She started telling one of the guys there how her stepfather was a polygamist and how she had 58 siblings in her family. Then she said that’s probably why she likes the man in her life to tell her what to do, where to go and basically control everything in her life. She’s a follower and looks for that firm hand on her backside to tell her everything she needs to do and be.
So Ricky, one of the guys, asked her where she hangs out, because he said, “I definitely need to meet a girl like you!” I agree wholeheartedly because as much as I agree with women being independent in mind and body, there is a point at which a certain amount of control and stability can feel like the warmth of a snuggie wrapped around you, a security blanket of sorts.
Many girls today are a little reticent to admit this fact, but some girls still need the strong guidance and direction of the “Man In the Gray Flannel Suit” – the stereotype of the husband from the 1950’s who controlled everything and made all of the decisions for his girl. Of course, during the 50’s half of all the men had visited a prostitute at some point, so it wasn’t really the pure and idyllic era we’ve come to believe. Today having a strong male figure around can come in handy when your ex-boyfriend continues to stalk you weeks after you told him to take a hike. Ain’t love grand ??
So last week, a number of my peeps from work were at my friend Merita’s house watching the game. She started telling one of the guys there how her stepfather was a polygamist and how she had 58 siblings in her family. Then she said that’s probably why she likes the man in her life to tell her what to do, where to go and basically control everything in her life. She’s a follower and looks for that firm hand on her backside to tell her everything she needs to do and be.
So Ricky, one of the guys, asked her where she hangs out, because he said, “I definitely need to meet a girl like you!” I agree wholeheartedly because as much as I agree with women being independent in mind and body, there is a point at which a certain amount of control and stability can feel like the warmth of a snuggie wrapped around you, a security blanket of sorts.
Many girls today are a little reticent to admit this fact, but some girls still need the strong guidance and direction of the “Man In the Gray Flannel Suit” – the stereotype of the husband from the 1950’s who controlled everything and made all of the decisions for his girl. Of course, during the 50’s half of all the men had visited a prostitute at some point, so it wasn’t really the pure and idyllic era we’ve come to believe. Today having a strong male figure around can come in handy when your ex-boyfriend continues to stalk you weeks after you told him to take a hike. Ain’t love grand ??
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Sun 2-8-2009 Legacy - What Is It??
Pictures, and the lives captured in them, are our fingerprints on time - the indelible mark we leave on those who knew us and the world we walked through. It may be the only true legacy there is for us. It's not what we take with us , what dies when we do that matters, it's the infinite little fingers and pinpricks of influence that we leave behind.... and the trails they create in the future.
Sun 2-1-2009 Happy Deuce Giving Day
Sun 2-1-2009 Happy Deuce Giving Day
So this past Thanksgiving, I was at my brother in law’s house up in Anthem and we had arrived shortly before when I realized I needed to whiz. I go into the bathroom and lo and behold what do I see? Somebody dropped a major dump in the toilet and didn’t flush. This instantly made my mind flashback to David Sedaris and his story Big Boy about being at a party with several friends and going into a bathroom where someone dropped a major bum snake and didn’t flush it down. Hilarity ensues when Sedaris tries to flush it but it won’t cooperate because it is simply too massive to fit down the pipes. So he… (you’ll have to buy the book – I’m not a spoiler).
Of course, this wacky of a situation is worthless if you don’t share it, so I texted my friend Nano. She texted me back – “Ooh, party fowl!” She always has funny things to add and also enjoys fifth grade humor almost as much as I do.
So this past Thanksgiving, I was at my brother in law’s house up in Anthem and we had arrived shortly before when I realized I needed to whiz. I go into the bathroom and lo and behold what do I see? Somebody dropped a major dump in the toilet and didn’t flush. This instantly made my mind flashback to David Sedaris and his story Big Boy about being at a party with several friends and going into a bathroom where someone dropped a major bum snake and didn’t flush it down. Hilarity ensues when Sedaris tries to flush it but it won’t cooperate because it is simply too massive to fit down the pipes. So he… (you’ll have to buy the book – I’m not a spoiler).
Of course, this wacky of a situation is worthless if you don’t share it, so I texted my friend Nano. She texted me back – “Ooh, party fowl!” She always has funny things to add and also enjoys fifth grade humor almost as much as I do.
2-8-2009 My Grammy Nominations!
Grammy Nominations
Kid Rock- I Was Born in Shamwow
Carrie Underwood - He Banged Me Like a Barn Door (cause I'm a Barn whore)
Sugarland - I Got Drunk and Slept with My Cousin Again!
Coldplay- Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club of Gay-dom
Miley Cyrus - I Only Do Drugs When My Homework's Done!
Kid Rock- I Was Born in Shamwow
Carrie Underwood - He Banged Me Like a Barn Door (cause I'm a Barn whore)
Sugarland - I Got Drunk and Slept with My Cousin Again!
Coldplay- Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club of Gay-dom
Miley Cyrus - I Only Do Drugs When My Homework's Done!
2-7-2009 My Friend the Churchie Fucker.
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Are those my nuts in your cheeks or are you just happy to see me ??
Sat 2-7-2009 Are those my nuts in your cheeks or are you just happy to see me ??
As an homage to the guy who got his penis bitten by a raccoon, I offer this:
My friends say it is unnatural for me to cruise the national parks and forests looking for furry little creatures to bang, but I am quick to point out to them – Hey if they aren’t wearing any clothes they’re just asking for it! They’re the ones putting out the vibe. I am a little nervous when I go into the woods these days, though. I keep expecting Chris Hansen to jump out from behind an evergreen with a microphone and camera crew, asking: “What are you doing in the forest this time of day?”
Now, in my defense, I don’t go for just any type. I won’t do wolverines, jackrabbits or badgers. A guys got to have standards. My type is attractively furred individuals with low self-esteem. Such as a groundhog, a squirrel or a chipmunk. Chipmunks are a little like the Asian hookers of the woodlands. When you’re having sex with them, it really makes you feel like your equipment is huge. The squealing and begging for mercy doesn’t hurt, either.
Instead of cash on the dresser, though, I always make sure I leave some acorns or other treats at the base of a nearby tree. This is my way of saying thanks. I am, after all, a former member of the Ranger Rick Club.
As an homage to the guy who got his penis bitten by a raccoon, I offer this:
My friends say it is unnatural for me to cruise the national parks and forests looking for furry little creatures to bang, but I am quick to point out to them – Hey if they aren’t wearing any clothes they’re just asking for it! They’re the ones putting out the vibe. I am a little nervous when I go into the woods these days, though. I keep expecting Chris Hansen to jump out from behind an evergreen with a microphone and camera crew, asking: “What are you doing in the forest this time of day?”
Now, in my defense, I don’t go for just any type. I won’t do wolverines, jackrabbits or badgers. A guys got to have standards. My type is attractively furred individuals with low self-esteem. Such as a groundhog, a squirrel or a chipmunk. Chipmunks are a little like the Asian hookers of the woodlands. When you’re having sex with them, it really makes you feel like your equipment is huge. The squealing and begging for mercy doesn’t hurt, either.
Instead of cash on the dresser, though, I always make sure I leave some acorns or other treats at the base of a nearby tree. This is my way of saying thanks. I am, after all, a former member of the Ranger Rick Club.
Thu 2-5-2009 My Hillbilly Neighbors
Thu 2-5-2009 My Hillbilly Neighbors
The good thing about living in my exclusive enclave is the endless yard sales, the cars up on blocks and the boats for sale in front of the houses. Also – none of them have decided to pursue means of earning income that doesn’t involve pulling nails out of boards or starting up power grinders at 5:30 AM right next to my bedroom window. Some would say this is the case because of the recession, but my neighbors have been carrying on this way for the past 2 years. The only upside I’ve discovered so far is the fact that, during the summer the young wives and girlfriends start wearing daisy duke shorts with their asscheeks half out and bright neon bikini tops barely covering their blossoming bossoms. Especially true when the girls jump up and down in excitement as they are going to the lake so they can hang out on the boat to get drunk and slutty.
You’ve never seen such free spirits as a couple of country girls full of cocktails and horniness, looking for someone to mount them. Mix in a southern accent and I’m a goner. It’s a fact – country girls know things the city girls don’t. Things like how to get ridden like a farm animal while howling your lungs out with the light of a full moon shining on the hay loft. Or getting down in the swimming hole without letting on to your young cousins who are a mere 30 feet away. Add some whiskey or rum to any of these scenarios and you have a sure fire recipe for some fun. Yeehaw !!!
The good thing about living in my exclusive enclave is the endless yard sales, the cars up on blocks and the boats for sale in front of the houses. Also – none of them have decided to pursue means of earning income that doesn’t involve pulling nails out of boards or starting up power grinders at 5:30 AM right next to my bedroom window. Some would say this is the case because of the recession, but my neighbors have been carrying on this way for the past 2 years. The only upside I’ve discovered so far is the fact that, during the summer the young wives and girlfriends start wearing daisy duke shorts with their asscheeks half out and bright neon bikini tops barely covering their blossoming bossoms. Especially true when the girls jump up and down in excitement as they are going to the lake so they can hang out on the boat to get drunk and slutty.
You’ve never seen such free spirits as a couple of country girls full of cocktails and horniness, looking for someone to mount them. Mix in a southern accent and I’m a goner. It’s a fact – country girls know things the city girls don’t. Things like how to get ridden like a farm animal while howling your lungs out with the light of a full moon shining on the hay loft. Or getting down in the swimming hole without letting on to your young cousins who are a mere 30 feet away. Add some whiskey or rum to any of these scenarios and you have a sure fire recipe for some fun. Yeehaw !!!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Sun 2-1-2009 Quote of the Day
Sun 2-1-2009 Quote of the Day
“…NEITHER SNOW, NOR RAIN, NOR HEAT, NOR GLOOM OF NIGHT STAYS THESE COURIERS FROM THE SWIFT COMPLETION OF THEIR APPOINTED ROUNDS.” - HERODOTUS
“…NEITHER SNOW, NOR RAIN, NOR HEAT, NOR GLOOM OF NIGHT STAYS THESE COURIERS FROM THE SWIFT COMPLETION OF THEIR APPOINTED ROUNDS.” - HERODOTUS
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Sun 1-25-2009 The Meaning of Life
Sun 1-25-2009 The Meaning of Life
Many people seem to be confused by this concept. Without realizing it, they may have already learned part of it when they were kids, from a cartoon animal no less. Smokey the Bear told us that “only you can prevent forest fires”. He also said that we should leave the forest “better off than we found it” by picking up litter, cans, etc. Think of life and the world as a forest and you have a major part of the meaning of life already ingrained in your consciousness.
Another salient point is that unlike animals, we don’t have to operate from instinct alone. We have the ability to make choices and changes in our lives in an attempt to be happy. Our Founding Fathers thought it was pretty important to mention the fact that as human beings, we have a right to the “pursuit of happiness.”
If you can do both of these at the same time you’re most of the way there to the embodiment of the meaning of life. Pursue activities and relationships that you believe will make you happy and do what you can to leave the world a little better than it was when you came into it.
Another ideal you might follow is found in the Hypocratic Oath that professionals take when they become doctors. They promise to “first, do no harm” then to try and help. If you can manage to be happy and helpful while doing no harm, you’re well down the trail while other people will still be puzzling over the map and checking their pockets for a compass.
Many people seem to be confused by this concept. Without realizing it, they may have already learned part of it when they were kids, from a cartoon animal no less. Smokey the Bear told us that “only you can prevent forest fires”. He also said that we should leave the forest “better off than we found it” by picking up litter, cans, etc. Think of life and the world as a forest and you have a major part of the meaning of life already ingrained in your consciousness.
Another salient point is that unlike animals, we don’t have to operate from instinct alone. We have the ability to make choices and changes in our lives in an attempt to be happy. Our Founding Fathers thought it was pretty important to mention the fact that as human beings, we have a right to the “pursuit of happiness.”
If you can do both of these at the same time you’re most of the way there to the embodiment of the meaning of life. Pursue activities and relationships that you believe will make you happy and do what you can to leave the world a little better than it was when you came into it.
Another ideal you might follow is found in the Hypocratic Oath that professionals take when they become doctors. They promise to “first, do no harm” then to try and help. If you can manage to be happy and helpful while doing no harm, you’re well down the trail while other people will still be puzzling over the map and checking their pockets for a compass.
1-16-2009 Fresh New Book Learnin !!
1-16-2009 Ben-cyclopedia Word of the Day – Gaytriotic
Something so over the top with cheesy ra-ra themes to inspire the lemmings or huddled masses, that it’s just insulting and downright gay.
Word of the Day – Mangina
Also known as boy parts or man-womb. Basically, this is your junk area for guys, especially your ball sack. This is usually said to a guy who is being super douche or overly thenthitive and talking too much about his feelings.
Hero of the Day – Barney Stinson
One of the most BRR-oic guys alive. He is a hero to all bro-kind, as well as to women and children, sometimes. But mostly, he is a hero to guys who wish they too could benefit from meeting droves of heavy-drinking low self-esteemed females with daddy issues. He is to be emulated in every way possible – except for the high pitched talking.
Something so over the top with cheesy ra-ra themes to inspire the lemmings or huddled masses, that it’s just insulting and downright gay.
Word of the Day – Mangina
Also known as boy parts or man-womb. Basically, this is your junk area for guys, especially your ball sack. This is usually said to a guy who is being super douche or overly thenthitive and talking too much about his feelings.
Hero of the Day – Barney Stinson
One of the most BRR-oic guys alive. He is a hero to all bro-kind, as well as to women and children, sometimes. But mostly, he is a hero to guys who wish they too could benefit from meeting droves of heavy-drinking low self-esteemed females with daddy issues. He is to be emulated in every way possible – except for the high pitched talking.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
1-24-2009 Ben-cyclopedia Phrase of the Day
The Disposable Job.
The disposable job is what allows you to do what’s important to you on a personal level and hopefully to be able to do it on a regular basis. It means something simple that doesn’t take a lot of brainpower but allows you to interact with other people and maintain some kind of social environment that you dwell in. This is often suggested as a good option for those coming out of a substance abuse or 12 step treatment program so they can get re-integrated into society without an undue amount of stress while they are making the transition. (From Sober House, a show on VH1 with Dr. Drew Pinsky)
The disposable job is what allows you to do what’s important to you on a personal level and hopefully to be able to do it on a regular basis. It means something simple that doesn’t take a lot of brainpower but allows you to interact with other people and maintain some kind of social environment that you dwell in. This is often suggested as a good option for those coming out of a substance abuse or 12 step treatment program so they can get re-integrated into society without an undue amount of stress while they are making the transition. (From Sober House, a show on VH1 with Dr. Drew Pinsky)
1-24-2009 Why I Like Cougars Alot !!
Why I Like Cougars Alot !!
Not so long ago, I was reading an article in Details or Esquire about Mandingo parties wherein well-hung black studs service middle-aged white professional women, sometimes more than one at a time.
One of the guys there said he liked fucking older women because younger, hotter girls think that fire shoots out of their pussy and they are basically very full of themselves. I’ve found this to be true myself. I was drinking at a bar used by the college kids at the nearby university and a young girl sidled up to me at the bar and said “I’ll let you buy me a drink!” I stared at her for a second in disbelief – she really wasn’t that hot, just young and blonde.
I regained my wit after a second and came back with “ maybe you should buy me one !” She looked like I had just spit on her face and called her a dirty little whore in front of everyone. She wandered off with a faceful – of confusion and disbelief.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, you have cougars. I like cougars quite a bit because they don’t have to play games to get what they want. They know what appeals to them and they go after it, like a predator (the good kind). Also, years of experience means they know how to have a good time. When they’re done with you and temporarily sated in their carnal requirements, they give you a pat on the ass and send you on your way – with a smile.
Not so long ago, I was reading an article in Details or Esquire about Mandingo parties wherein well-hung black studs service middle-aged white professional women, sometimes more than one at a time.
One of the guys there said he liked fucking older women because younger, hotter girls think that fire shoots out of their pussy and they are basically very full of themselves. I’ve found this to be true myself. I was drinking at a bar used by the college kids at the nearby university and a young girl sidled up to me at the bar and said “I’ll let you buy me a drink!” I stared at her for a second in disbelief – she really wasn’t that hot, just young and blonde.
I regained my wit after a second and came back with “ maybe you should buy me one !” She looked like I had just spit on her face and called her a dirty little whore in front of everyone. She wandered off with a faceful – of confusion and disbelief.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, you have cougars. I like cougars quite a bit because they don’t have to play games to get what they want. They know what appeals to them and they go after it, like a predator (the good kind). Also, years of experience means they know how to have a good time. When they’re done with you and temporarily sated in their carnal requirements, they give you a pat on the ass and send you on your way – with a smile.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Fri 1-23-2009 A Friend in Need…
Fri 1-23-2009 A Friend in Need…
Some people think that their friends will always come through for them no matter what they need and maybe they’re right. I’ve been wanting to have that kind of friend I could call at any time of the day or night just to talk when things were going shitty. I haven’t found that kind of friend even after 37 years of being alive. I’ve BEEN the friend that people call at 3 AM, but not found one for myself. Maybe my expectations are a little too high even though my overall hopes and dreams for life are pretty reasonable. I want friends to laugh with in good times and bad – someone to celebrate the pivotal moments in life with – like cracking open the first cherry beer in a brand new 24 pack.
Later…..
Grand Taurino
I discovered a wonderful thing – Taurino beer from El Salvador. I got two 18 packs of cans from Fresh N Easy for $7.99 each, and this when an 18 pack of Bud Light cans costs $13.99 on sale. Vat a bargain!
Also – Taurino means “bull”, which has multiple correlations to my life. I’m a Taurus astrological sign – “the bull”. Also, people used to call me “Benny the Bull” after the Chicago Bulls mascot. I follow the stock market as well, and I’m usually a “bull” or optimist, thinking the market is long term going to go up, instead of being a “bear” or pessimist. Taurino – it’s magic in a can, and cheap. You’re welcome !!
Some people think that their friends will always come through for them no matter what they need and maybe they’re right. I’ve been wanting to have that kind of friend I could call at any time of the day or night just to talk when things were going shitty. I haven’t found that kind of friend even after 37 years of being alive. I’ve BEEN the friend that people call at 3 AM, but not found one for myself. Maybe my expectations are a little too high even though my overall hopes and dreams for life are pretty reasonable. I want friends to laugh with in good times and bad – someone to celebrate the pivotal moments in life with – like cracking open the first cherry beer in a brand new 24 pack.
Later…..
Grand Taurino
I discovered a wonderful thing – Taurino beer from El Salvador. I got two 18 packs of cans from Fresh N Easy for $7.99 each, and this when an 18 pack of Bud Light cans costs $13.99 on sale. Vat a bargain!
Also – Taurino means “bull”, which has multiple correlations to my life. I’m a Taurus astrological sign – “the bull”. Also, people used to call me “Benny the Bull” after the Chicago Bulls mascot. I follow the stock market as well, and I’m usually a “bull” or optimist, thinking the market is long term going to go up, instead of being a “bear” or pessimist. Taurino – it’s magic in a can, and cheap. You’re welcome !!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Poem/song 1-15-2009 Eulogy to a Dead Man.
We Miss You, Fucker !
We miss you, fucker, everyday,
Me and the gang always say,
We know what you meant when you said you were done,
We never knew your pain’d make you eat that gun.
Things were bad, they’d gotten worse,
But never bad enough to call the hearse.
Me and the gang hold vigil every day,
We sit here and talk and drink and pray.
Sometimes we cry and bitch and moan,
the only problems you solved were your own.
Cause me and the gang, I’ll have you know,
Are still paying what you owe.
What we didn’t do or think or say,
That would’ve let you find a way,
To be here with us on this fine day,
So me and the gang – still we pay.
We miss you, fucker, everyday,
Me and the gang always say,
We know what you meant when you said you were done,
We never knew your pain’d make you eat that gun.
Things were bad, they’d gotten worse,
But never bad enough to call the hearse.
Me and the gang hold vigil every day,
We sit here and talk and drink and pray.
Sometimes we cry and bitch and moan,
the only problems you solved were your own.
Cause me and the gang, I’ll have you know,
Are still paying what you owe.
What we didn’t do or think or say,
That would’ve let you find a way,
To be here with us on this fine day,
So me and the gang – still we pay.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Thu 1-22-2009 Go Back !
I just remembered why I don’t go to class reunions – not for grammar school, (yes, they had one), high school or even college. It’s like that scene in Say Anything where Ione Skye is doing her valedictorian speech and she’s telling them not tp progress in their lives or to forge ahead into the future. She tells the kids to “go back” because they are just ending one of the best, most positive times in their lives. From here on out, life gets infinitely more complicated and gritty. So they should go back since what’s ahead is less gratifying than the now. She means it as a joke, but all you hear is crickets at the end.
When I think of reunions, I think of people who used to be friends trying to outdo each other with their impressive careers, their expensive houses and cars, their beautiful and sexy trophy wives and their lavish lifestyles, usually built on a foundation of bullshit and self-loathing.
The most disturbing thing to me is that these images make me think of a group of words that saddens me deeply. The words “might have been” scare the crap out of me and depress me because it means someone abandoned that part of themselves, their best, truest self and threw it away so they could buy into someone else’s dream. They molded themselves in the image of someone else’s idea of success and left behind their own aspirations to become one more in the endless sea of lemmings clawing their way toward the abyss.
These people might have been great as something ordinary. Instead, they chose to be ordinary in a world someone said was great. They put more faith in another’s vision than in their own – and that’s where the road less traveled branches off deep in the forest. I wish they would “go back” and choose the right path this time. That would be their best chance at real happiness.
When I think of reunions, I think of people who used to be friends trying to outdo each other with their impressive careers, their expensive houses and cars, their beautiful and sexy trophy wives and their lavish lifestyles, usually built on a foundation of bullshit and self-loathing.
The most disturbing thing to me is that these images make me think of a group of words that saddens me deeply. The words “might have been” scare the crap out of me and depress me because it means someone abandoned that part of themselves, their best, truest self and threw it away so they could buy into someone else’s dream. They molded themselves in the image of someone else’s idea of success and left behind their own aspirations to become one more in the endless sea of lemmings clawing their way toward the abyss.
These people might have been great as something ordinary. Instead, they chose to be ordinary in a world someone said was great. They put more faith in another’s vision than in their own – and that’s where the road less traveled branches off deep in the forest. I wish they would “go back” and choose the right path this time. That would be their best chance at real happiness.
1-19-2009 Phrase of the day.
Mon 1-19-2009 Ben-cyclopedia phrase of the day definition:
“Running her out” – refers to a woman’s vaginal anatomy in terms of an airport hanger and a man’s genital anatomy or his manhood as the plane as they are having sex. When she runs out of hanger before he runs out of plane, that’s when she’s run out. There’s not enough space inside the girl he’s fucking for the entire length of his cock, he still has inches of cock left outside her when she’s run out of space in her pussy to put it.
“Running her out” – refers to a woman’s vaginal anatomy in terms of an airport hanger and a man’s genital anatomy or his manhood as the plane as they are having sex. When she runs out of hanger before he runs out of plane, that’s when she’s run out. There’s not enough space inside the girl he’s fucking for the entire length of his cock, he still has inches of cock left outside her when she’s run out of space in her pussy to put it.
Sat 1-17-2009 The Republic of Douchbagerie !
The definition of a douchebag is someone who is so full of themselves and of their own bullshit that they are completely unaware of anything or anyone but themselves. It is narcissism taken to a new and ridiculous level. Typically, it also involves them buying in lock, stock and both smoking barrels to whatever fashion craze is hot at the moment – i.e. from the show “The Hills” etc. See the song “I’m A Big Douche at the Scottsdale Bars.” Especially indicative is the current trend of wearing designer jeans with designer t-shirts and having the t-shirt tucked in just over the belt buckle area. Just yesterday, I saw a very douche bumper sticker. It said: “I Like Me !” No shit, huh.
Who cares if you like you, and why do you feel compelled to advertise the fact ? I don’t like you already based on the admittedly shallow criteria of your dumbass bumper sticker.
I never really thought women could be douchebags. I pretty much thought this was an honor reserved basically for dudes until I saw the movie “Role Models.” The chick that runs the Sturdy Wings program acts pretty douche ona number of different occasions, with all her exaggerated opinionations. Yeah – I just made that up – magical isn’t it ?? Sorry that was a little douche-esque. There I go again, inventing words. As my little friend Ms. Nano would say – it not really a word until it gains gription in the language. Gription is her made up word which melds friction with gripping power.
Who cares if you like you, and why do you feel compelled to advertise the fact ? I don’t like you already based on the admittedly shallow criteria of your dumbass bumper sticker.
I never really thought women could be douchebags. I pretty much thought this was an honor reserved basically for dudes until I saw the movie “Role Models.” The chick that runs the Sturdy Wings program acts pretty douche ona number of different occasions, with all her exaggerated opinionations. Yeah – I just made that up – magical isn’t it ?? Sorry that was a little douche-esque. There I go again, inventing words. As my little friend Ms. Nano would say – it not really a word until it gains gription in the language. Gription is her made up word which melds friction with gripping power.
1-15-2009 Alibi ? - No My Husband's Name is Bob !
I don’t think anything my girl has ever said has gotten me more turned on than when she said that if the cops came looking for me, she would do or say anything I wanted to cover for me. At first I called bullshit on her and said no you wouldn’t – if I did something fucked and the cops came calling, you’d be so pissed at me that you’d narc me out right away. I really didn’t believe her at first, even though most girls who actually like their guys probably would lie for them.
I have trust issues with women, this is a pretty well known fact. I’ve known quite a few girls in my time who didn’t deserve to be trusted and also quite a few who were just downright fucking c-razy. Like James Brown says in that song – “I don’t know karate, but I know ca-razy !!” The idea that Mrs. Goody Two Shoes would cover for me was pretty intriguing and it really made my dick hard – what a shocker.
I also get turned on when a girl is mad at me or looks good in her uniform, but maybe that a story for another time. This is an official shout-out to those good looking female cops of Chandler, AZ I’ve driven past in the last few weeks, the blondes and the brunette(s) – you know who you are !
I have trust issues with women, this is a pretty well known fact. I’ve known quite a few girls in my time who didn’t deserve to be trusted and also quite a few who were just downright fucking c-razy. Like James Brown says in that song – “I don’t know karate, but I know ca-razy !!” The idea that Mrs. Goody Two Shoes would cover for me was pretty intriguing and it really made my dick hard – what a shocker.
I also get turned on when a girl is mad at me or looks good in her uniform, but maybe that a story for another time. This is an official shout-out to those good looking female cops of Chandler, AZ I’ve driven past in the last few weeks, the blondes and the brunette(s) – you know who you are !
Friday, January 16, 2009
1-15-2009 later.. Sin Therapy.
Went to therapy yesterday and my girl said that she hopes to help me have answers to my therapy questions (the reason I'm there is a search for answers of sorts) in the next three months. This is good news - to have a deadline on progressing towards something, especially when I feel like I've been drifting for so long. She also said that at 37, I'm way too young to be giving up on the kind of sex life that I could possibly have. We talked about the different types of sex (date night sex, quickies, etc) that people in a relationship have available to them. I had to agre on some level - 37's not that old really, I guess.
Just a few days ago, I was buying an 18 pack of Taurino, a nice, cheap El Salvadoran beer, and the checkout lady carded me. She looked at my ID and back at me several times, then told me I looked more like 24 than 37. Why is it I ask you that when I'm in a store I always see the best looking women, but they're always with their husband or I'm with my girl. What's up with that!
I'd like to test myself sometime and see if I actually have the courage to talk to a girl I don't know.
At the Circle K yesterday, there was a hot little brunette, kind of tall, on the thin side, with one side of her bangs hanging over her face. She was with her boy and they were in front of me at the cash register. As she turned to leave the store, she looked me over for a second before leaving. Cute, very cute. I only wonder what kind of baggage might come with that cute little face.
Just a few days ago, I was buying an 18 pack of Taurino, a nice, cheap El Salvadoran beer, and the checkout lady carded me. She looked at my ID and back at me several times, then told me I looked more like 24 than 37. Why is it I ask you that when I'm in a store I always see the best looking women, but they're always with their husband or I'm with my girl. What's up with that!
I'd like to test myself sometime and see if I actually have the courage to talk to a girl I don't know.
At the Circle K yesterday, there was a hot little brunette, kind of tall, on the thin side, with one side of her bangs hanging over her face. She was with her boy and they were in front of me at the cash register. As she turned to leave the store, she looked me over for a second before leaving. Cute, very cute. I only wonder what kind of baggage might come with that cute little face.
1-15-2009 The Double-Skinny Trailer Park Girl.
I once was the driver on a delivery route for a trailer park. Every time I was there the same young Russian woman was in the green belt by the common area pool. She would always smile and look like she wanted to say something. I guess guys aren't the only ones who get shy around people they don't know. I imagined myself going back with her to the trailer and getting turned on by the mundane, bargain basement decor inside - everything utilitarian. The everyman aspect of her environment (real salt of the Earth) made me think of cute farm animals sweating and humping each other and making babies.
1-14-2009 later still... Cougar-ific !!
Just a few weeks ago, I happened to go shopping on a Sunday morning because I was out of creamer for my coffee. I kept seeing the same good looking brunette in her spandex workout clothes as I made my way through. We nodded and smiled to each other as we seemed to pass and bump our way through several different aisles. She wore black boy shorts and a V-neck wifebeater T-shirt, also black. She was flushed and a little sweaty, having just come from her morning pilates class. We made eye contact repeatedly as we nudged each other out of way and fought over the last box of oyster crackers, which are great with chili. She seemed a little shy and embarrassed. I wasn't sure if this was because I was a decade younger than her or because she was attached and shouldn't be looking at other guys. Ah, well !! The cougar growls again.
1-14-2009 later.. Money Can't Buy You Muff !
People have known for a long time that money is an aphrodisiac. Just ask any middle-aged businessman with a twenty-something girlfriend. As Willie Nelson once said (allegedly): "Nothing makes women horny like lots of cash."
That's why when I'm feeling particularly frisky I go shopping at my local grocery store with a huge wad of cash in my pocket. I don't pay with it - it just gives me confidence knowing it's there. This huge wad of cash totals less than forty bucks, cause it's all singles I got when I cashed in my piggy bank at the grocery coin counting machine the day before. Still, as I wander through the aisles, I see myself in a large suburban home leaving a trail of dollar bills up the stairs to the master suite as the horny, sexually frustrated lady of the house follows behind me - picking up those dirty, decadent dollar bills in her mouth one at a time, slobbering on them all in her desperate anticipation of what's to come.
That's why when I'm feeling particularly frisky I go shopping at my local grocery store with a huge wad of cash in my pocket. I don't pay with it - it just gives me confidence knowing it's there. This huge wad of cash totals less than forty bucks, cause it's all singles I got when I cashed in my piggy bank at the grocery coin counting machine the day before. Still, as I wander through the aisles, I see myself in a large suburban home leaving a trail of dollar bills up the stairs to the master suite as the horny, sexually frustrated lady of the house follows behind me - picking up those dirty, decadent dollar bills in her mouth one at a time, slobbering on them all in her desperate anticipation of what's to come.
1-14-2009 Talk to me Money Honey !
I have a strange ritual that I perform on workdays when I'm horny - which is pretty regularly. I watch CNBC or FBN with Rebecca Daimond, Maria Bartiromo and the other money honies and I put the play button on slow motion on my DVR remote. When the girls are talking into the camera, their lips are moving very slowly. In my sex-addled brain, I imagine to myself that those slowly moving lips are talking dirty to me - strange, random things like - "as soon as I'm done with this segment, I want you behind me doggystyle. I want you to fuck me like I'm a bitch in heat!" If it's Maria I'm watching it's something a little more cougar-like, such as - "hey, little boy - if you make me come more than three times, I'll give you some really good stock tips."
1-16-2009 Important Disclaimer
The stories contained in this blog have been dramatized for the written word. All events, characters, locales, scenarios and debaucheries detailed herein may or may not sound familiar or be factual, depending on my mood at the time I wrote it. Any visuals conjured up in your brain fluid which resemble videos from Internet porn are purely coincidental. In my defense, all I can say is that a chemical imbalance in the brain is a terrible thing to waste.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
When the Zombies Come 1 13 2009
Tuesday 1/13/2009
-My friend Kelli and I have a question we ask our friends when we are sitting around shooting the shit. Here's the question: Where are you gonna go when the zombies come?
My own answer is the product of seeing pretty much every zombie movie ever made by the time I was in 8th grade. My friends and I watched American zombie movies, Mexican ones, Italian ones and Phillipino zombie movies. Some were scary, some were disgusting and others just downright gratuitous.
So here's my answer. I would hole up at the nearest Walmart superstore that I knew sold guns and had plenty of ammunition, food and water on hand. And first aid supplies of course.
Kelli's answer is Costco. It's big, roomy, has camping supplies, food, water and auto repair items.
She and I agree that at some point a mutated virus or bio-weapon will be released among the general population. Just like in the movie Resident Evil:Extinction, 28 Days Later or Sean of the Dead.
My current favorite quote is from Andy Grove, founder of Intel:
"Only the paranoid survive!"
-My friend Kelli and I have a question we ask our friends when we are sitting around shooting the shit. Here's the question: Where are you gonna go when the zombies come?
My own answer is the product of seeing pretty much every zombie movie ever made by the time I was in 8th grade. My friends and I watched American zombie movies, Mexican ones, Italian ones and Phillipino zombie movies. Some were scary, some were disgusting and others just downright gratuitous.
So here's my answer. I would hole up at the nearest Walmart superstore that I knew sold guns and had plenty of ammunition, food and water on hand. And first aid supplies of course.
Kelli's answer is Costco. It's big, roomy, has camping supplies, food, water and auto repair items.
She and I agree that at some point a mutated virus or bio-weapon will be released among the general population. Just like in the movie Resident Evil:Extinction, 28 Days Later or Sean of the Dead.
My current favorite quote is from Andy Grove, founder of Intel:
"Only the paranoid survive!"
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