Woken up again at 3 am by the coot. Crash was fucking with a piece of plastic from the bedroon garbage and woke up Cat and I at the same time. We went outside for a smoke and then she went bk to sleep. I ate a banana and some cereal and then miracle- I was able to go bk to sleep too- and didn't wake up again until 815 or so. Maybe I won't need to take a nap today. The same thing happened a few days ago and I was like a zombie until late morning when I took a nap and then went out and ran some errands. I gotta get into a good sleep routine before I go insane. Last few days I've also been waking up with a killer headache, which isn't great.
I have been writing journal entries almost everyday, so that's a start at least. Maybe I'll actually make some headway on my longer writing projects. I have written a couple of poems since we moved in, but no painting or drawings started as of yet. Maybe next week or on Labor Day weekend. We also need to follow through on going through boxes and start giving things away that we aren't going to use or that we don't have room to store. We'll see. Best laid plans and all that.
Now the job search will begin in earnest- come one, come all- I'm not too proud to beg you for work, any work- need your toilet cleaned with a human hand? I'm your man. Do you need someone to lick their own butthole while you watch ?
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Itinerant Rambling Wed 8 25 2010
Ned to try and find my path in life in terms of career. Maybe financial adviser, maybe teacher, who knows where I'll end up. Where do you turn when you fall off the path of life ? Who or what puts you back on the right path ? I have to do it myself. Find my own way. Only I decide where I will be willing to live with compromise. There are choices you have to live and breath each day for years or longer. So how do I want to live this life - as a 9 to fiver or working non-traditional night shifts so I can paint and write and so I risk not making any decent money for years. Will it be worth it in the end to compromise more on money or on the work I do and the lifestyle I live. Which is the worse or lesser of two evils ? And how to choose ? Should I paste together 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet ? Or pick one path and roll the dice on it being the right one ?
Later - Everybody wants to be remembered by the people they care about or respect. I'm no different. The people I like or look up to, I would like them to have positive memories of me when I'm no longer here. Maybe it's weird for me to be thinking about these things at my age, but I can't help it. I mull over these thoughts that most people never have because they're able to live in the now. something which I still have to perfect. I'm too worried abt what comes next. Which way to aim, what to plan for, always impatient, waiting to see what's next, what's coming down the pike and how can I prepare for it ? It causes me to miss The Now and never live now when in reality the now is all that we will ever have.
I need to go to a meeting tomorrow - maybe the 9 am in La Grange. I need to develop some friends in recovery, like Josh and john james bk in Phoenix. It always seemed to help me forget abt the future and live in the moment. I can never learn that lesson too many times. It always helps me to get the proper perspective the same way most people would benefit from spending a day a year walking through a cemetery so that they don't let the daily grind keep them from realizing the eternal things are the things that will lastingly matter in your life.
If you pretend you will be dead in the very near future, maybe you won't do that stupid, petty thing that you will never be able to take back. That thing which gives temporary satisfaction but lasting regrets. These regrets, along with your resentments, tend to wear a hole in your soul sonner rather than later. And such a hole is never easy to patch. It makes you feel weary and old before your time. Kind of like the way I seem to feel everyday.
Later - Everybody wants to be remembered by the people they care about or respect. I'm no different. The people I like or look up to, I would like them to have positive memories of me when I'm no longer here. Maybe it's weird for me to be thinking about these things at my age, but I can't help it. I mull over these thoughts that most people never have because they're able to live in the now. something which I still have to perfect. I'm too worried abt what comes next. Which way to aim, what to plan for, always impatient, waiting to see what's next, what's coming down the pike and how can I prepare for it ? It causes me to miss The Now and never live now when in reality the now is all that we will ever have.
I need to go to a meeting tomorrow - maybe the 9 am in La Grange. I need to develop some friends in recovery, like Josh and john james bk in Phoenix. It always seemed to help me forget abt the future and live in the moment. I can never learn that lesson too many times. It always helps me to get the proper perspective the same way most people would benefit from spending a day a year walking through a cemetery so that they don't let the daily grind keep them from realizing the eternal things are the things that will lastingly matter in your life.
If you pretend you will be dead in the very near future, maybe you won't do that stupid, petty thing that you will never be able to take back. That thing which gives temporary satisfaction but lasting regrets. These regrets, along with your resentments, tend to wear a hole in your soul sonner rather than later. And such a hole is never easy to patch. It makes you feel weary and old before your time. Kind of like the way I seem to feel everyday.
Begin Again Mon Aug 23, 2010
Trying to make a fresh start in life - harder than I thought it would be psychologically. Saw Dan and Priscilla in WI this past Saturday. He always looks at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to say something, but the words never come. I don't really know what he's looking for. Maybe I should ask him. Hopefully not my approval, because I'm not sure I even approve of myself. I'm probably not qualified to approve or disapprove of anybody else. He seems to believe I am going to judge him or something, but the truth is that there are so many things swirling around my head that I don't have the luxury of trying to pick other people's brains. Or the inclination. I can't seem to figure out how people in the world see me. Do they think I'm weird or crazy or what- and should i even care. Seems like sometimes my life is a Smith's song - a sad tune with no happy Hollywood ending.
I can't see the future- so who can really say? Not I. Wish I were closer to the people in my life but if they looked inside me would they like or even understand what they see? Better not to risk things like that- if they like the shallow parts they see- then maybe we should just leave it at that.
Later - In the still of the night, the heart wonders - what should have been if not this ?
What other turns could the road have taken ? What lay around the next bend I never risked exploring ? and still here I am - right where I'm supposed to be ?
My cat is a philosopher and says meow often, which in his language means - what is, is and by rights should be ! Fear not, you're in the right place, you're just seeing this place through the wrong eyes. They keep you from enjoying the view that others would kill to see. So just be !
I can't see the future- so who can really say? Not I. Wish I were closer to the people in my life but if they looked inside me would they like or even understand what they see? Better not to risk things like that- if they like the shallow parts they see- then maybe we should just leave it at that.
Later - In the still of the night, the heart wonders - what should have been if not this ?
What other turns could the road have taken ? What lay around the next bend I never risked exploring ? and still here I am - right where I'm supposed to be ?
My cat is a philosopher and says meow often, which in his language means - what is, is and by rights should be ! Fear not, you're in the right place, you're just seeing this place through the wrong eyes. They keep you from enjoying the view that others would kill to see. So just be !
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Poem for July- A Bloke Such As I
You never in the world met such as I -
A bloke so very thrilled to still be ALIVE
for if I were dead would I be here
to compose this poem, so true, yet queer?
For when I look around at sea and sky,
I feel all alone - there's no other such as I.
To feel so free and yet enraged,
my brain locked in this simmering cage,
this lot in life, given to me,
so full and beautiful, wasted completely.
An ingrate am I - of the worst kind and breed,
a waste of breath, a waste of a read.
Why was I put here on this ball of fools
while my brain spins riddles,
never running out of spools ?
A bloke so very thrilled to still be ALIVE
for if I were dead would I be here
to compose this poem, so true, yet queer?
For when I look around at sea and sky,
I feel all alone - there's no other such as I.
To feel so free and yet enraged,
my brain locked in this simmering cage,
this lot in life, given to me,
so full and beautiful, wasted completely.
An ingrate am I - of the worst kind and breed,
a waste of breath, a waste of a read.
Why was I put here on this ball of fools
while my brain spins riddles,
never running out of spools ?
- Newly Sober =One year chip !!
Running away never solved anything. Just ask anybody who's done it before. It changes nothing. At all. So why is it that people still insist on running away from their problems? Who knows? I know it never worked for me. I could get very, very drunk over extended periods of time, but every time I woke up- they were still there. It's an individual dilemma which everyone must answer for themselves.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
702 am Phx time Sun 3 7 2010 What Is A Good Life?
What Is A Good Life ?
A good life is having enough money to take care of your family or the people you love and a little more to prepare for the what ifs of life and to enjoy the extras - family trips, vacations, personal enrichment experiences, etc. A good life is waking up, making breakfast for the kids (or sig oth) taking them to school or work, when you will have time to talk and catch up in the car ride over. You get to focus on the things that really matter in life - relationships with the people and things you love and the experiences and memories that make life worth living.
Just ask your self this question and you will know what I mean.
When you woke up this morning - what were you looking forward to doing today ? What is it about the upcoming week that has you excited about or interested in - being alive ? For myself, my cat Crash greets me every morning by meowing outside the bedroom door until I come out, feed him and play a quick game of fishing pole before making coffee and breakfast. If I don't come out fast enough, he starts throwing himself at the door in desperation until I do.
I also look forward to snuggling the warm girl in my bed for another ten minutes before starting the day. On Sundays - I enjoy my painting class, where some of the projects I'm working on are less than horrible, which gives me hope I could get decent at it one day. I enjoy taking pictures of beautiful sunsets, sparkling beaches, happy people, good times and happy pets. I enjoy collecting the business cards of barber shops where I get horrible, bad or just unflattering haircuts. I am still looking for that magical barber who will know how to cut MY hair.
I enjoy stealing the good pens from my doctors offices, since they have names of pharmaceuticals on the side and every writer knows that RX reps have the best pens to give out. They're usually clickie pens, they write smoothly and they fit nicely into the hand of the user/ klepto. Some of them are even blue, which is good, because I hate when the only pens I have are black ink. It is so ordinary and boring to see the black ink on the white page. Blue ink always looks much nicer to me.
I like that I haven't had a drink of alcohol since June 17, 2009, and now spend that energy I wasted in the bar on better things like painting, writing and finding good music on the Internet. I am learning a lot about myself by going to 12 step meetings and being with those who are also muddling through life, trying to maintain serenity while living through it and figuring it out as each day comes to us. I don't have all the answers yer, but I have many more and am more peaceful than when I was walking around in a haze created by Fat Tire, Taurino, Dos Equis Amber, 8th Street Ale, Gin and Tonics or Kamikazes. So these are the things I am thinking about and working on as of today. Stay tuned and look at the past posts if you want to see what I was writing about when I was still drinking heavily. Later, Gator.
A good life is having enough money to take care of your family or the people you love and a little more to prepare for the what ifs of life and to enjoy the extras - family trips, vacations, personal enrichment experiences, etc. A good life is waking up, making breakfast for the kids (or sig oth) taking them to school or work, when you will have time to talk and catch up in the car ride over. You get to focus on the things that really matter in life - relationships with the people and things you love and the experiences and memories that make life worth living.
Just ask your self this question and you will know what I mean.
When you woke up this morning - what were you looking forward to doing today ? What is it about the upcoming week that has you excited about or interested in - being alive ? For myself, my cat Crash greets me every morning by meowing outside the bedroom door until I come out, feed him and play a quick game of fishing pole before making coffee and breakfast. If I don't come out fast enough, he starts throwing himself at the door in desperation until I do.
I also look forward to snuggling the warm girl in my bed for another ten minutes before starting the day. On Sundays - I enjoy my painting class, where some of the projects I'm working on are less than horrible, which gives me hope I could get decent at it one day. I enjoy taking pictures of beautiful sunsets, sparkling beaches, happy people, good times and happy pets. I enjoy collecting the business cards of barber shops where I get horrible, bad or just unflattering haircuts. I am still looking for that magical barber who will know how to cut MY hair.
I enjoy stealing the good pens from my doctors offices, since they have names of pharmaceuticals on the side and every writer knows that RX reps have the best pens to give out. They're usually clickie pens, they write smoothly and they fit nicely into the hand of the user/ klepto. Some of them are even blue, which is good, because I hate when the only pens I have are black ink. It is so ordinary and boring to see the black ink on the white page. Blue ink always looks much nicer to me.
I like that I haven't had a drink of alcohol since June 17, 2009, and now spend that energy I wasted in the bar on better things like painting, writing and finding good music on the Internet. I am learning a lot about myself by going to 12 step meetings and being with those who are also muddling through life, trying to maintain serenity while living through it and figuring it out as each day comes to us. I don't have all the answers yer, but I have many more and am more peaceful than when I was walking around in a haze created by Fat Tire, Taurino, Dos Equis Amber, 8th Street Ale, Gin and Tonics or Kamikazes. So these are the things I am thinking about and working on as of today. Stay tuned and look at the past posts if you want to see what I was writing about when I was still drinking heavily. Later, Gator.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
2/25/2010 Am I a Multi-Kleptomaniac ??
Dear Non-Existent Readers;
Just got back from the Caribbean on my first cruise vacation and I must admit I am a little fatter since the food was so damn good. I also realized I have a couple of strange habits. I steal good pens wherever I go - doctor's office, physical therapy, chiropractor, dentist, therapists offices - I think it's because they get nice pens from the pharmaceutical sales reps and at my job, they don't even provide us with pens to write anything down. Also - for the sake of full disclosure I liberated a coffee cup, a dinner napkin and a spoon from the S.S. Klepto before I disembarkated from the ship. Another weird habit - I collect business cards from barber shops. Maybe because I haven't had a truly good haircut in several years and I'm cheap as dirt, so I end up going to less talented follicle workers at Great Clips, Super Cuts and other fine chain establishments. I must say, the best haircuts I got recently were at V's Barbershop near Chandler Heights Rd. and Alma School in Chandler, and Cut To A T on Elliot by Kyrene in Tempe.
Just got back from the Caribbean on my first cruise vacation and I must admit I am a little fatter since the food was so damn good. I also realized I have a couple of strange habits. I steal good pens wherever I go - doctor's office, physical therapy, chiropractor, dentist, therapists offices - I think it's because they get nice pens from the pharmaceutical sales reps and at my job, they don't even provide us with pens to write anything down. Also - for the sake of full disclosure I liberated a coffee cup, a dinner napkin and a spoon from the S.S. Klepto before I disembarkated from the ship. Another weird habit - I collect business cards from barber shops. Maybe because I haven't had a truly good haircut in several years and I'm cheap as dirt, so I end up going to less talented follicle workers at Great Clips, Super Cuts and other fine chain establishments. I must say, the best haircuts I got recently were at V's Barbershop near Chandler Heights Rd. and Alma School in Chandler, and Cut To A T on Elliot by Kyrene in Tempe.
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