My fears kept me captive, to the point that I couldn't even explain to Christine that I had to stop spending time with her. I was having too much fun, and it scared me, because I could have gone on that way forever.
But I needed to finish college and I was never going to do it spending my nights swimming, drinking and fucking.
So, instead of doing things the normal way - breaking up, explaining, discussing - I just went AWOL. I stopped returning her calls, never dropped by her house anymore and pretty much disappeared from the usual haunts and habits.
All of my time was spent trying to salvage what was left of my academic career before I turned into an abject failure due to excessive partying.
So the falling leaves drifted across the midnight parking lot at Hollywood Beach without me. The liquor store bell didn't ring because I wasn't there to pickup my 40's. I never even walked in the door. And the waters of Lake Michigan grew colder every night. Once you've abandoned someone abruptly like that - it becomes impossible to come back from that. The words to explain yourself just don't come to you - and the years roll on. What explanation would be good enough? Everything sounds hollow and phony when you try it on for size.
How exactly do you say: "I'm sorry I bailed, but I'd really like to start banging you again?" Doesn't sound so great, no matter how I try to phrase it !!! So for 21 years, I said nothing and its started to eat away at me more and more lately. It would seem that I have a conscience after all.
