Trying to make a fresh start in life - harder than I thought it would be psychologically. Saw Dan and Priscilla in WI this past Saturday. He always looks at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to say something, but the words never come. I don't really know what he's looking for. Maybe I should ask him. Hopefully not my approval, because I'm not sure I even approve of myself. I'm probably not qualified to approve or disapprove of anybody else. He seems to believe I am going to judge him or something, but the truth is that there are so many things swirling around my head that I don't have the luxury of trying to pick other people's brains. Or the inclination. I can't seem to figure out how people in the world see me. Do they think I'm weird or crazy or what- and should i even care. Seems like sometimes my life is a Smith's song - a sad tune with no happy Hollywood ending.
I can't see the future- so who can really say? Not I. Wish I were closer to the people in my life but if they looked inside me would they like or even understand what they see? Better not to risk things like that- if they like the shallow parts they see- then maybe we should just leave it at that.
Later - In the still of the night, the heart wonders - what should have been if not this ?
What other turns could the road have taken ? What lay around the next bend I never risked exploring ? and still here I am - right where I'm supposed to be ?
My cat is a philosopher and says meow often, which in his language means - what is, is and by rights should be ! Fear not, you're in the right place, you're just seeing this place through the wrong eyes. They keep you from enjoying the view that others would kill to see. So just be !
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