Are those my nuts in your cheeks or are you just happy to see me ??

Sat 2-7-2009 Are those my nuts in your cheeks or are you just happy to see me ??

As an homage to the guy who got his penis bitten by a raccoon, I offer this:
My friends say it is unnatural for me to cruise the national parks and forests looking for furry little creatures to bang, but I am quick to point out to them – Hey if they aren’t wearing any clothes they’re just asking for it! They’re the ones putting out the vibe. I am a little nervous when I go into the woods these days, though. I keep expecting Chris Hansen to jump out from behind an evergreen with a microphone and camera crew, asking: “What are you doing in the forest this time of day?”
Now, in my defense, I don’t go for just any type. I won’t do wolverines, jackrabbits or badgers. A guys got to have standards. My type is attractively furred individuals with low self-esteem. Such as a groundhog, a squirrel or a chipmunk. Chipmunks are a little like the Asian hookers of the woodlands. When you’re having sex with them, it really makes you feel like your equipment is huge. The squealing and begging for mercy doesn’t hurt, either.
Instead of cash on the dresser, though, I always make sure I leave some acorns or other treats at the base of a nearby tree. This is my way of saying thanks. I am, after all, a former member of the Ranger Rick Club.