Old Friends or What I Lost Along the Way

I recently watched a Bulls game at my friend’s house in the city- his name is Brad. I live pretty far out, so this doesn’t happen very often. He and his wife are both teachers. He’s got his basement set up to be like a media room, with one whole wall taken up by a huge TV screen. There were
about 10 of us there, mostly guys I went to high school with.

One of them, Rob, I hadn’t seen in about 20 years or so. He’s lived in San Francisco and then
Vancouver for the last 15 years or so. It’s funny how you don’t see someone for
so many years and they look exactly the same.

It’s also interesting how things turn out as you get older. In my group of friends, we have people who are living every kind of domestic life you could imagine, who work in all different
industries and who reside all over the world. We know policemen, firemen,
teachers, writers, professors, doctors, lawyers, accountants, IT specialists,
bankers, brokers, traders, carpenters, painters, the unemployed, the homeless,
salesmen, truck drivers, factory workers and people who work in Hollywood.

What does all this mean? You just never know where life is going to take you. As a kid, I would have guessed that by now I would be a well-known, published novelist and professor who lectures and conducts readings and workshops all over the country. I never could have
foreseen that I would be the one unemployed person in the litany of job titles
I mentioned above.

How did I get here? Because I never planned to be anywhere else. Also- the things you don’t do today tend to never get done. That is why I have several partially completed manuscripts, two completed volumes of poetry (they’re short and can be done quickly) and a whole file of
pretty good story and book ideas that I may never get to write. If success and
achievement were based on wishful thinking, best intentions and hoping for good
things, I would be famous, beloved, wealthy and in perfect physical health.

Life doesn’t keep score that way. Neither should you. The endeavors I failed in are the ones that I didn’t pursue and keep close to me like my life depended on it. I was extremely ambitious
when I was younger. I was going to set the world on fire. I had enough dreams
and aspirations for any ten people. What I lost along the way was my
determination, belief and perseverance. I let life kick me in the teeth one or
two times too many. I stopped thinking to myself that things would get better,
even though in my mind I would swear that it’s true. But for you – not for me.

My truth is darker and uglier. There’s no happy ending for me unless I make some pretty dramatic changes. I have to force myself out of my comfort zone. Not once in a lifetime, or even once a week. I have to push the boundaries of what I do and what I believe I can do
every day of my life. Without this kind of dramatic change, I will get more of
the same – mediocrity, low standards and a less than bright future.

But don’t cry for me Argentina! The way to the promised land is clear. In this modern age of endless research at the end of a mouse click, I can learn enough, know enough and get motivated
enough to make these changes. If not in the U.S., then where? If not now –
when? This is a time of great change, disruption, discomfort and opportunity. I
can fix myself if I put my mind to it.

I hope you live your life like every day is the first day of school. That is what will keep you growing, stretching and becoming more. It’s what I have tried to avoid at all costs since
childhood. And it’s held me back – big time. My fear of discomfort and change
has hobbled me and kept me from having the life I want.

I hope if you read these lines, you will learn from my walk down the wrong path and choose the better way. Don’t fear change, see it as variety instead.

Don’t avoid new roles and situations –they may be better than what you have now.

The Right Word 8 11 2011 Le Mot Juste

My fears kept me captive, to the point that I couldn't even explain to Christine that I had to stop spending time with her. I was having too much fun, and it scared me, because I could have gone on that way forever.

But I needed to finish college and I was never going to do it spending my nights swimming, drinking and fucking.

So, instead of doing things the normal way - breaking up, explaining, discussing - I just went AWOL. I stopped returning her calls, never dropped by her house anymore and pretty much disappeared from the usual haunts and habits.

All of my time was spent trying to salvage what was left of my academic career before I turned into an abject failure due to excessive partying.

So the falling leaves drifted across the midnight parking lot at Hollywood Beach without me. The liquor store bell didn't ring because I wasn't there to pickup my 40's. I never even walked in the door. And the waters of Lake Michigan grew colder every night. Once you've abandoned someone abruptly like that - it becomes impossible to come back from that. The words to explain yourself just don't come to you - and the years roll on. What explanation would be good enough? Everything sounds hollow and phony when you try it on for size.

How exactly do you say: "I'm sorry I bailed, but I'd really like to start banging you again?" Doesn't sound so great, no matter how I try to phrase it !!! So for 21 years, I said nothing and its started to eat away at me more and more lately. It would seem that I have a conscience after all.

Outside In-somnia Thu 8262010

Woken up again at 3 am by the coot. Crash was fucking with a piece of plastic from the bedroon garbage and woke up Cat and I at the same time. We went outside for a smoke and then she went bk to sleep. I ate a banana and some cereal and then miracle- I was able to go bk to sleep too- and didn't wake up again until 815 or so. Maybe I won't need to take a nap today. The same thing happened a few days ago and I was like a zombie until late morning when I took a nap and then went out and ran some errands. I gotta get into a good sleep routine before I go insane. Last few days I've also been waking up with a killer headache, which isn't great.

I have been writing journal entries almost everyday, so that's a start at least. Maybe I'll actually make some headway on my longer writing projects. I have written a couple of poems since we moved in, but no painting or drawings started as of yet. Maybe next week or on Labor Day weekend. We also need to follow through on going through boxes and start giving things away that we aren't going to use or that we don't have room to store. We'll see. Best laid plans and all that.
Now the job search will begin in earnest- come one, come all- I'm not too proud to beg you for work, any work- need your toilet cleaned with a human hand? I'm your man. Do you need someone to lick their own butthole while you watch ?

Itinerant Rambling Wed 8 25 2010

Ned to try and find my path in life in terms of career. Maybe financial adviser, maybe teacher, who knows where I'll end up. Where do you turn when you fall off the path of life ? Who or what puts you back on the right path ? I have to do it myself. Find my own way. Only I decide where I will be willing to live with compromise. There are choices you have to live and breath each day for years or longer. So how do I want to live this life - as a 9 to fiver or working non-traditional night shifts so I can paint and write and so I risk not making any decent money for years. Will it be worth it in the end to compromise more on money or on the work I do and the lifestyle I live. Which is the worse or lesser of two evils ? And how to choose ? Should I paste together 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet ? Or pick one path and roll the dice on it being the right one ?

Later - Everybody wants to be remembered by the people they care about or respect. I'm no different. The people I like or look up to, I would like them to have positive memories of me when I'm no longer here. Maybe it's weird for me to be thinking about these things at my age, but I can't help it. I mull over these thoughts that most people never have because they're able to live in the now. something which I still have to perfect. I'm too worried abt what comes next. Which way to aim, what to plan for, always impatient, waiting to see what's next, what's coming down the pike and how can I prepare for it ? It causes me to miss The Now and never live now when in reality the now is all that we will ever have.

I need to go to a meeting tomorrow - maybe the 9 am in La Grange. I need to develop some friends in recovery, like Josh and john james bk in Phoenix. It always seemed to help me forget abt the future and live in the moment. I can never learn that lesson too many times. It always helps me to get the proper perspective the same way most people would benefit from spending a day a year walking through a cemetery so that they don't let the daily grind keep them from realizing the eternal things are the things that will lastingly matter in your life.

If you pretend you will be dead in the very near future, maybe you won't do that stupid, petty thing that you will never be able to take back. That thing which gives temporary satisfaction but lasting regrets. These regrets, along with your resentments, tend to wear a hole in your soul sonner rather than later. And such a hole is never easy to patch. It makes you feel weary and old before your time. Kind of like the way I seem to feel everyday.

Begin Again Mon Aug 23, 2010

Trying to make a fresh start in life - harder than I thought it would be psychologically. Saw Dan and Priscilla in WI this past Saturday. He always looks at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to say something, but the words never come. I don't really know what he's looking for. Maybe I should ask him. Hopefully not my approval, because I'm not sure I even approve of myself. I'm probably not qualified to approve or disapprove of anybody else. He seems to believe I am going to judge him or something, but the truth is that there are so many things swirling around my head that I don't have the luxury of trying to pick other people's brains. Or the inclination. I can't seem to figure out how people in the world see me. Do they think I'm weird or crazy or what- and should i even care. Seems like sometimes my life is a Smith's song - a sad tune with no happy Hollywood ending.
I can't see the future- so who can really say? Not I. Wish I were closer to the people in my life but if they looked inside me would they like or even understand what they see? Better not to risk things like that- if they like the shallow parts they see- then maybe we should just leave it at that.

Later - In the still of the night, the heart wonders - what should have been if not this ?
What other turns could the road have taken ? What lay around the next bend I never risked exploring ? and still here I am - right where I'm supposed to be ?
My cat is a philosopher and says meow often, which in his language means - what is, is and by rights should be ! Fear not, you're in the right place, you're just seeing this place through the wrong eyes. They keep you from enjoying the view that others would kill to see. So just be !

Poem for July- A Bloke Such As I

You never in the world met such as I -
A bloke so very thrilled to still be ALIVE
for if I were dead would I be here
to compose this poem, so true, yet queer?
For when I look around at sea and sky,
I feel all alone - there's no other such as I.
To feel so free and yet enraged,
my brain locked in this simmering cage,
this lot in life, given to me,
so full and beautiful, wasted completely.
An ingrate am I - of the worst kind and breed,
a waste of breath, a waste of a read.
Why was I put here on this ball of fools
while my brain spins riddles,
never running out of spools ?

- Newly Sober =One year chip !!

Running away never solved anything. Just ask anybody who's done it before. It changes nothing. At all. So why is it that people still insist on running away from their problems? Who knows? I know it never worked for me. I could get very, very drunk over extended periods of time, but every time I woke up- they were still there. It's an individual dilemma which everyone must answer for themselves.