Sat 5-23-2009 He’s Got an Anus Problem!
My friend Ted from Chicago is a real character. Things are always happening to him that don’t seem to happen to anyone else. He took his dog to the vet one day and there was an old Jewish lady there with a poodle, which Ted was bending over to pet. As he was doing this, another lady was asking poodle lady what was ailing her little doggie. She says, “He’s got an anus problem”, then looked in Ted’s direction, who was still bent over with his ass in the air. Everyone in the waiting also looked that way and studied Ted, presumably to determine what he might have done to earn himself an anus problem. Ted just stood there like a deer in the headlights and blushed various shades of red.
Another time, Ted was doing a painting job for a lipstick lesbian couple who lived downtown. They were a very attractive couple, which everyone knows is the exception, not the rule. So at one point, he was taking a break and was sitting on their bed. He started thinking about all the erotic action their bed had seen over the years and stored up enough masturbatory fodder for the next couple of years.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Sat 5-23-2009 Phrase of the Day - Hot Girl Syndrome Explained
Sat 5-23-2009 Phrase of the Day - Hot Girl Syndrome Explained
Hot Girl Syndrome - This is simply the idea that a girl who is beautiful, sexy, cute, young or has a killer body isn’t very skilled or good in bed because (simply put) she doesn’t have to be. She’ll have no problem getting or keeping a boyfriend because he will usually be the envy of his friends and other guys in general. The real problem with a girl having this syndrome is that no girl is the only hot girl around and very few girls are always the hottest girl wherever they go. Eventually competition rears its ugly head and a more skilled or willing female enters the arena. Hotness levels fluctuate by zipcode, continent and for you trekkies, by galaxy.
Also, time plays a factor and at some point a hot girl will be competing with both younger and hotter girls and older, hotter girls ( your local cougar colony has many ladies that sport very low cut tops and don’t play the high-maintenance card thinking it is going to work for them). Young girls are starting to realize that a good-looking 25 year old guy is choosing a cougar over them because the head games and high maintenance of the twenty-somethings gets tiresome eventually. Most cougars are good to go when they see what they want and they are usually aware of what they are looking for.
They happen to have a little experience and know what to do with younger guys when they bring them back to their dens. The younger girls haven’t had to try very hard in bed and don’t have the experience of their feral feline counterparts. Fortunately, most of the ladies afflicted with hot girl syndrome eventually get into a relationship with a guy that they want to stay with and then they start to learn how to please their man. Those are the lessons no other girl or cougar will be able to take away from them.
Hot Girl Syndrome - This is simply the idea that a girl who is beautiful, sexy, cute, young or has a killer body isn’t very skilled or good in bed because (simply put) she doesn’t have to be. She’ll have no problem getting or keeping a boyfriend because he will usually be the envy of his friends and other guys in general. The real problem with a girl having this syndrome is that no girl is the only hot girl around and very few girls are always the hottest girl wherever they go. Eventually competition rears its ugly head and a more skilled or willing female enters the arena. Hotness levels fluctuate by zipcode, continent and for you trekkies, by galaxy.
Also, time plays a factor and at some point a hot girl will be competing with both younger and hotter girls and older, hotter girls ( your local cougar colony has many ladies that sport very low cut tops and don’t play the high-maintenance card thinking it is going to work for them). Young girls are starting to realize that a good-looking 25 year old guy is choosing a cougar over them because the head games and high maintenance of the twenty-somethings gets tiresome eventually. Most cougars are good to go when they see what they want and they are usually aware of what they are looking for.
They happen to have a little experience and know what to do with younger guys when they bring them back to their dens. The younger girls haven’t had to try very hard in bed and don’t have the experience of their feral feline counterparts. Fortunately, most of the ladies afflicted with hot girl syndrome eventually get into a relationship with a guy that they want to stay with and then they start to learn how to please their man. Those are the lessons no other girl or cougar will be able to take away from them.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Sun 5-17-2009 Word of the Day - Auto-Wilding.
Sun 5-17-2009 Word of the Day - Auto-Wilding.
Crimes committed and mayhem perpetrated while in the confines of a moving motor vehicle.
Crimes committed and mayhem perpetrated while in the confines of a moving motor vehicle.
Sat 5-16-2009 Ideas to Save the Publishing Industry
Sat 5-16-2009 Ideas to Save the Publishing Industry
Suburban Whore – a magazine for the modern woman.
Tweener Slut – for the 13 year old girl in all of us who wishes she was brave enough to wear all of the different colored wristbands.
Suburban Whore – a magazine for the modern woman.
Tweener Slut – for the 13 year old girl in all of us who wishes she was brave enough to wear all of the different colored wristbands.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Tue 4-28-2009 Letter To Chelsea Lately.
Tue 4-28-2009 Letter To Chelsea Lately.
Dear Chelsea;
You, my dear, are not simply borderline amazing, you are all the way, peddle to the metal amazing. Important note: I am not a gay male, I am simply giving credit where it is due. I’d also give kudos to Chuy for embracing and exploiting his nuggetness to the greatest extent possible. Self-exploitation is the best kind. If your staff is too awestruck or self-absorbed (read Heather McDonald) to tell you, then I will. Happy to do it. I applaud your ridicule of consistently douchebag personalities such as Heidi and Spencer (they don’t deserve the Speidi tag – they’re the lint on Amy Winehouse’s urine-soaked bikini). Anyway – you rock. I’m going to post this on my blog so that my non-existent (so far) reader base can learn the virtues of listening to Dr. Lately and Judge Lately when her font of wisdom is turned on high.
Your Non-Mormon Viewer and Fan,
B.G. Malarkey
Phoenix, AZ (Cougar Capitol of the World)
Dear Chelsea;
You, my dear, are not simply borderline amazing, you are all the way, peddle to the metal amazing. Important note: I am not a gay male, I am simply giving credit where it is due. I’d also give kudos to Chuy for embracing and exploiting his nuggetness to the greatest extent possible. Self-exploitation is the best kind. If your staff is too awestruck or self-absorbed (read Heather McDonald) to tell you, then I will. Happy to do it. I applaud your ridicule of consistently douchebag personalities such as Heidi and Spencer (they don’t deserve the Speidi tag – they’re the lint on Amy Winehouse’s urine-soaked bikini). Anyway – you rock. I’m going to post this on my blog so that my non-existent (so far) reader base can learn the virtues of listening to Dr. Lately and Judge Lately when her font of wisdom is turned on high.
Your Non-Mormon Viewer and Fan,
B.G. Malarkey
Phoenix, AZ (Cougar Capitol of the World)
Mon 5-11-2009 Ben-cyclopedia Word of the Day
Mon 5-11-2009 Ben-cyclopedia Word of the Day
Redress – the act of putting your clothes back on following a certain period of shameful or shameless activity.
Redress – the act of putting your clothes back on following a certain period of shameful or shameless activity.
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