Old Friends or What I Lost Along the Way

I recently watched a Bulls game at my friend’s house in the city- his name is Brad. I live pretty far out, so this doesn’t happen very often. He and his wife are both teachers. He’s got his basement set up to be like a media room, with one whole wall taken up by a huge TV screen. There were
about 10 of us there, mostly guys I went to high school with.

One of them, Rob, I hadn’t seen in about 20 years or so. He’s lived in San Francisco and then
Vancouver for the last 15 years or so. It’s funny how you don’t see someone for
so many years and they look exactly the same.

It’s also interesting how things turn out as you get older. In my group of friends, we have people who are living every kind of domestic life you could imagine, who work in all different
industries and who reside all over the world. We know policemen, firemen,
teachers, writers, professors, doctors, lawyers, accountants, IT specialists,
bankers, brokers, traders, carpenters, painters, the unemployed, the homeless,
salesmen, truck drivers, factory workers and people who work in Hollywood.

What does all this mean? You just never know where life is going to take you. As a kid, I would have guessed that by now I would be a well-known, published novelist and professor who lectures and conducts readings and workshops all over the country. I never could have
foreseen that I would be the one unemployed person in the litany of job titles
I mentioned above.

How did I get here? Because I never planned to be anywhere else. Also- the things you don’t do today tend to never get done. That is why I have several partially completed manuscripts, two completed volumes of poetry (they’re short and can be done quickly) and a whole file of
pretty good story and book ideas that I may never get to write. If success and
achievement were based on wishful thinking, best intentions and hoping for good
things, I would be famous, beloved, wealthy and in perfect physical health.

Life doesn’t keep score that way. Neither should you. The endeavors I failed in are the ones that I didn’t pursue and keep close to me like my life depended on it. I was extremely ambitious
when I was younger. I was going to set the world on fire. I had enough dreams
and aspirations for any ten people. What I lost along the way was my
determination, belief and perseverance. I let life kick me in the teeth one or
two times too many. I stopped thinking to myself that things would get better,
even though in my mind I would swear that it’s true. But for you – not for me.

My truth is darker and uglier. There’s no happy ending for me unless I make some pretty dramatic changes. I have to force myself out of my comfort zone. Not once in a lifetime, or even once a week. I have to push the boundaries of what I do and what I believe I can do
every day of my life. Without this kind of dramatic change, I will get more of
the same – mediocrity, low standards and a less than bright future.

But don’t cry for me Argentina! The way to the promised land is clear. In this modern age of endless research at the end of a mouse click, I can learn enough, know enough and get motivated
enough to make these changes. If not in the U.S., then where? If not now –
when? This is a time of great change, disruption, discomfort and opportunity. I
can fix myself if I put my mind to it.

I hope you live your life like every day is the first day of school. That is what will keep you growing, stretching and becoming more. It’s what I have tried to avoid at all costs since
childhood. And it’s held me back – big time. My fear of discomfort and change
has hobbled me and kept me from having the life I want.

I hope if you read these lines, you will learn from my walk down the wrong path and choose the better way. Don’t fear change, see it as variety instead.

Don’t avoid new roles and situations –they may be better than what you have now.

The Right Word 8 11 2011 Le Mot Juste

My fears kept me captive, to the point that I couldn't even explain to Christine that I had to stop spending time with her. I was having too much fun, and it scared me, because I could have gone on that way forever.

But I needed to finish college and I was never going to do it spending my nights swimming, drinking and fucking.

So, instead of doing things the normal way - breaking up, explaining, discussing - I just went AWOL. I stopped returning her calls, never dropped by her house anymore and pretty much disappeared from the usual haunts and habits.

All of my time was spent trying to salvage what was left of my academic career before I turned into an abject failure due to excessive partying.

So the falling leaves drifted across the midnight parking lot at Hollywood Beach without me. The liquor store bell didn't ring because I wasn't there to pickup my 40's. I never even walked in the door. And the waters of Lake Michigan grew colder every night. Once you've abandoned someone abruptly like that - it becomes impossible to come back from that. The words to explain yourself just don't come to you - and the years roll on. What explanation would be good enough? Everything sounds hollow and phony when you try it on for size.

How exactly do you say: "I'm sorry I bailed, but I'd really like to start banging you again?" Doesn't sound so great, no matter how I try to phrase it !!! So for 21 years, I said nothing and its started to eat away at me more and more lately. It would seem that I have a conscience after all.

Outside In-somnia Thu 8262010

Woken up again at 3 am by the coot. Crash was fucking with a piece of plastic from the bedroon garbage and woke up Cat and I at the same time. We went outside for a smoke and then she went bk to sleep. I ate a banana and some cereal and then miracle- I was able to go bk to sleep too- and didn't wake up again until 815 or so. Maybe I won't need to take a nap today. The same thing happened a few days ago and I was like a zombie until late morning when I took a nap and then went out and ran some errands. I gotta get into a good sleep routine before I go insane. Last few days I've also been waking up with a killer headache, which isn't great.

I have been writing journal entries almost everyday, so that's a start at least. Maybe I'll actually make some headway on my longer writing projects. I have written a couple of poems since we moved in, but no painting or drawings started as of yet. Maybe next week or on Labor Day weekend. We also need to follow through on going through boxes and start giving things away that we aren't going to use or that we don't have room to store. We'll see. Best laid plans and all that.
Now the job search will begin in earnest- come one, come all- I'm not too proud to beg you for work, any work- need your toilet cleaned with a human hand? I'm your man. Do you need someone to lick their own butthole while you watch ?

Itinerant Rambling Wed 8 25 2010

Ned to try and find my path in life in terms of career. Maybe financial adviser, maybe teacher, who knows where I'll end up. Where do you turn when you fall off the path of life ? Who or what puts you back on the right path ? I have to do it myself. Find my own way. Only I decide where I will be willing to live with compromise. There are choices you have to live and breath each day for years or longer. So how do I want to live this life - as a 9 to fiver or working non-traditional night shifts so I can paint and write and so I risk not making any decent money for years. Will it be worth it in the end to compromise more on money or on the work I do and the lifestyle I live. Which is the worse or lesser of two evils ? And how to choose ? Should I paste together 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet ? Or pick one path and roll the dice on it being the right one ?

Later - Everybody wants to be remembered by the people they care about or respect. I'm no different. The people I like or look up to, I would like them to have positive memories of me when I'm no longer here. Maybe it's weird for me to be thinking about these things at my age, but I can't help it. I mull over these thoughts that most people never have because they're able to live in the now. something which I still have to perfect. I'm too worried abt what comes next. Which way to aim, what to plan for, always impatient, waiting to see what's next, what's coming down the pike and how can I prepare for it ? It causes me to miss The Now and never live now when in reality the now is all that we will ever have.

I need to go to a meeting tomorrow - maybe the 9 am in La Grange. I need to develop some friends in recovery, like Josh and john james bk in Phoenix. It always seemed to help me forget abt the future and live in the moment. I can never learn that lesson too many times. It always helps me to get the proper perspective the same way most people would benefit from spending a day a year walking through a cemetery so that they don't let the daily grind keep them from realizing the eternal things are the things that will lastingly matter in your life.

If you pretend you will be dead in the very near future, maybe you won't do that stupid, petty thing that you will never be able to take back. That thing which gives temporary satisfaction but lasting regrets. These regrets, along with your resentments, tend to wear a hole in your soul sonner rather than later. And such a hole is never easy to patch. It makes you feel weary and old before your time. Kind of like the way I seem to feel everyday.

Begin Again Mon Aug 23, 2010

Trying to make a fresh start in life - harder than I thought it would be psychologically. Saw Dan and Priscilla in WI this past Saturday. He always looks at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to say something, but the words never come. I don't really know what he's looking for. Maybe I should ask him. Hopefully not my approval, because I'm not sure I even approve of myself. I'm probably not qualified to approve or disapprove of anybody else. He seems to believe I am going to judge him or something, but the truth is that there are so many things swirling around my head that I don't have the luxury of trying to pick other people's brains. Or the inclination. I can't seem to figure out how people in the world see me. Do they think I'm weird or crazy or what- and should i even care. Seems like sometimes my life is a Smith's song - a sad tune with no happy Hollywood ending.
I can't see the future- so who can really say? Not I. Wish I were closer to the people in my life but if they looked inside me would they like or even understand what they see? Better not to risk things like that- if they like the shallow parts they see- then maybe we should just leave it at that.

Later - In the still of the night, the heart wonders - what should have been if not this ?
What other turns could the road have taken ? What lay around the next bend I never risked exploring ? and still here I am - right where I'm supposed to be ?
My cat is a philosopher and says meow often, which in his language means - what is, is and by rights should be ! Fear not, you're in the right place, you're just seeing this place through the wrong eyes. They keep you from enjoying the view that others would kill to see. So just be !

Poem for July- A Bloke Such As I

You never in the world met such as I -
A bloke so very thrilled to still be ALIVE
for if I were dead would I be here
to compose this poem, so true, yet queer?
For when I look around at sea and sky,
I feel all alone - there's no other such as I.
To feel so free and yet enraged,
my brain locked in this simmering cage,
this lot in life, given to me,
so full and beautiful, wasted completely.
An ingrate am I - of the worst kind and breed,
a waste of breath, a waste of a read.
Why was I put here on this ball of fools
while my brain spins riddles,
never running out of spools ?

- Newly Sober =One year chip !!

Running away never solved anything. Just ask anybody who's done it before. It changes nothing. At all. So why is it that people still insist on running away from their problems? Who knows? I know it never worked for me. I could get very, very drunk over extended periods of time, but every time I woke up- they were still there. It's an individual dilemma which everyone must answer for themselves.

702 am Phx time Sun 3 7 2010 What Is A Good Life?

What Is A Good Life ?

A good life is having enough money to take care of your family or the people you love and a little more to prepare for the what ifs of life and to enjoy the extras - family trips, vacations, personal enrichment experiences, etc. A good life is waking up, making breakfast for the kids (or sig oth) taking them to school or work, when you will have time to talk and catch up in the car ride over. You get to focus on the things that really matter in life - relationships with the people and things you love and the experiences and memories that make life worth living.

Just ask your self this question and you will know what I mean.

When you woke up this morning - what were you looking forward to doing today ? What is it about the upcoming week that has you excited about or interested in - being alive ? For myself, my cat Crash greets me every morning by meowing outside the bedroom door until I come out, feed him and play a quick game of fishing pole before making coffee and breakfast. If I don't come out fast enough, he starts throwing himself at the door in desperation until I do.

I also look forward to snuggling the warm girl in my bed for another ten minutes before starting the day. On Sundays - I enjoy my painting class, where some of the projects I'm working on are less than horrible, which gives me hope I could get decent at it one day. I enjoy taking pictures of beautiful sunsets, sparkling beaches, happy people, good times and happy pets. I enjoy collecting the business cards of barber shops where I get horrible, bad or just unflattering haircuts. I am still looking for that magical barber who will know how to cut MY hair.

I enjoy stealing the good pens from my doctors offices, since they have names of pharmaceuticals on the side and every writer knows that RX reps have the best pens to give out. They're usually clickie pens, they write smoothly and they fit nicely into the hand of the user/ klepto. Some of them are even blue, which is good, because I hate when the only pens I have are black ink. It is so ordinary and boring to see the black ink on the white page. Blue ink always looks much nicer to me.

I like that I haven't had a drink of alcohol since June 17, 2009, and now spend that energy I wasted in the bar on better things like painting, writing and finding good music on the Internet. I am learning a lot about myself by going to 12 step meetings and being with those who are also muddling through life, trying to maintain serenity while living through it and figuring it out as each day comes to us. I don't have all the answers yer, but I have many more and am more peaceful than when I was walking around in a haze created by Fat Tire, Taurino, Dos Equis Amber, 8th Street Ale, Gin and Tonics or Kamikazes. So these are the things I am thinking about and working on as of today. Stay tuned and look at the past posts if you want to see what I was writing about when I was still drinking heavily. Later, Gator.

2/25/2010 Am I a Multi-Kleptomaniac ??

Dear Non-Existent Readers;
Just got back from the Caribbean on my first cruise vacation and I must admit I am a little fatter since the food was so damn good. I also realized I have a couple of strange habits. I steal good pens wherever I go - doctor's office, physical therapy, chiropractor, dentist, therapists offices - I think it's because they get nice pens from the pharmaceutical sales reps and at my job, they don't even provide us with pens to write anything down. Also - for the sake of full disclosure I liberated a coffee cup, a dinner napkin and a spoon from the S.S. Klepto before I disembarkated from the ship. Another weird habit - I collect business cards from barber shops. Maybe because I haven't had a truly good haircut in several years and I'm cheap as dirt, so I end up going to less talented follicle workers at Great Clips, Super Cuts and other fine chain establishments. I must say, the best haircuts I got recently were at V's Barbershop near Chandler Heights Rd. and Alma School in Chandler, and Cut To A T on Elliot by Kyrene in Tempe.

Oct 12th Columbus Day

In Memory of Jeff Nelson -

Over the years the things I heard about Jeff were pretty positive. So were my own experiences. He was closer to my brother and his friends, but it's always a tragedy for the family to lose someone like this. I called Dan and told him what I knew, so hopefully he'll be able to drive down on Friday for the memorial dinner. Jeff, Brad, Joe, Rob and I swam together at Lane and he was a pretty fun person to be around. He had a very interesting perspective on things when I would talk with him and made me see things from a different perspective. I hope his mother and other family members get all the support they need in this chaotic and emotional time. My thoughts are with them !

Sun 5-24-2009 Don't Be So Republican !

Sun 5-24-2009 Don't Be So Republican !

My brother and I like to argue about politics when we talk on the phone. He likes to try and explain to me how everything George W. Bush did was in our best interest and how Obama was screwing things up even before he was in office by the simple fact of his Democratness. He is quick to point out that every good idea was and always will be a Republican idea and that any good idea a Democrat comes up with is just something the Republican party forgot to lay claim to before they realized it was a good idea.

I counter by pointing out that a good amount of Republicans have been involved in scandals in the last few years. He makes the case that they were seen as Republicans only because the Republicans didn't have enough time to distance themselves and lay the groundwork for deniability before the bad news made it into the widespread media. That's the problem, my wizened older brother says, with the media in general. They're too busy publishing bad coverage of Republicans or promoting Democratic falsehoods to really tell the truth that the Republican Party wants the public to know (when it revises history to make itself look better in hindsight).

We agree on one thing - each of us is always right and has never had to admit we were wrong about anything. Denying that what you've said is inaccurate or comes from a biased viewpoint is a winning strategy and is usually best presented by following the other person's parlay with, "yeah, that's what I'm saying !"

Sat 5-23-2009 He’s Got an Anus Problem!

Sat 5-23-2009 He’s Got an Anus Problem!

My friend Ted from Chicago is a real character. Things are always happening to him that don’t seem to happen to anyone else. He took his dog to the vet one day and there was an old Jewish lady there with a poodle, which Ted was bending over to pet. As he was doing this, another lady was asking poodle lady what was ailing her little doggie. She says, “He’s got an anus problem”, then looked in Ted’s direction, who was still bent over with his ass in the air. Everyone in the waiting also looked that way and studied Ted, presumably to determine what he might have done to earn himself an anus problem. Ted just stood there like a deer in the headlights and blushed various shades of red.
Another time, Ted was doing a painting job for a lipstick lesbian couple who lived downtown. They were a very attractive couple, which everyone knows is the exception, not the rule. So at one point, he was taking a break and was sitting on their bed. He started thinking about all the erotic action their bed had seen over the years and stored up enough masturbatory fodder for the next couple of years.

Sat 5-23-2009 Phrase of the Day - Hot Girl Syndrome Explained

Sat 5-23-2009 Phrase of the Day - Hot Girl Syndrome Explained

Hot Girl Syndrome - This is simply the idea that a girl who is beautiful, sexy, cute, young or has a killer body isn’t very skilled or good in bed because (simply put) she doesn’t have to be. She’ll have no problem getting or keeping a boyfriend because he will usually be the envy of his friends and other guys in general. The real problem with a girl having this syndrome is that no girl is the only hot girl around and very few girls are always the hottest girl wherever they go. Eventually competition rears its ugly head and a more skilled or willing female enters the arena. Hotness levels fluctuate by zipcode, continent and for you trekkies, by galaxy.
Also, time plays a factor and at some point a hot girl will be competing with both younger and hotter girls and older, hotter girls ( your local cougar colony has many ladies that sport very low cut tops and don’t play the high-maintenance card thinking it is going to work for them). Young girls are starting to realize that a good-looking 25 year old guy is choosing a cougar over them because the head games and high maintenance of the twenty-somethings gets tiresome eventually. Most cougars are good to go when they see what they want and they are usually aware of what they are looking for.
They happen to have a little experience and know what to do with younger guys when they bring them back to their dens. The younger girls haven’t had to try very hard in bed and don’t have the experience of their feral feline counterparts. Fortunately, most of the ladies afflicted with hot girl syndrome eventually get into a relationship with a guy that they want to stay with and then they start to learn how to please their man. Those are the lessons no other girl or cougar will be able to take away from them.

Sun 5-17-2009 Word of the Day - Auto-Wilding.

Sun 5-17-2009 Word of the Day - Auto-Wilding.

Crimes committed and mayhem perpetrated while in the confines of a moving motor vehicle.

Sat 5-16-2009 Ideas to Save the Publishing Industry

Sat 5-16-2009 Ideas to Save the Publishing Industry

Suburban Whore – a magazine for the modern woman.

Tweener Slut – for the 13 year old girl in all of us who wishes she was brave enough to wear all of the different colored wristbands.

Tue 4-28-2009 Letter To Chelsea Lately.

Tue 4-28-2009 Letter To Chelsea Lately.

Dear Chelsea;
You, my dear, are not simply borderline amazing, you are all the way, peddle to the metal amazing. Important note: I am not a gay male, I am simply giving credit where it is due. I’d also give kudos to Chuy for embracing and exploiting his nuggetness to the greatest extent possible. Self-exploitation is the best kind. If your staff is too awestruck or self-absorbed (read Heather McDonald) to tell you, then I will. Happy to do it. I applaud your ridicule of consistently douchebag personalities such as Heidi and Spencer (they don’t deserve the Speidi tag – they’re the lint on Amy Winehouse’s urine-soaked bikini). Anyway – you rock. I’m going to post this on my blog so that my non-existent (so far) reader base can learn the virtues of listening to Dr. Lately and Judge Lately when her font of wisdom is turned on high.
Your Non-Mormon Viewer and Fan,
B.G. Malarkey
Phoenix, AZ (Cougar Capitol of the World)

Mon 5-11-2009 MILF of the Year!

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Mon 5-11-2009 Ben-cyclopedia Word of the Day

Mon 5-11-2009 Ben-cyclopedia Word of the Day

Redress – the act of putting your clothes back on following a certain period of shameful or shameless activity.

Sat 3-21-2009 I Can’t Just Gather, I Need to Hunt!

Sat 3-21-2009 I Can’t Just Gather, I Need to Hunt!

I met quite a few stay-at-home dads at my cousin’s house recently and I think it’s a noble, difficult thing to do. I’m not sure I could do it. Many people think that being in the workplace is just about a paycheck, but in reality it has as much to do with your sense of personal identity and sense of self worth as it does with money. Friendships form at work and you are known as much by the work you do as by any other characteristic people would use to describe you.
Those who have won the lottery find this out when they realize that all their friends are still going to work every day and they feel weird, alienated and out of the loop. At the same time that these friends of theirs are envying their wealth, they may be envying the worker for having the same feelings of belonging that they no longer possess. They aren’t in the same situation as their friends anymore.
This sense of dislocation has nothing to do with the money they used to make at their old job. They no longer know who they are, where they belong or who their true friends really are. The same is also true f the modern day househusband or hausmeister as my German peeps might say. As much as stay-at-home dads can adjust to their new role over time, it still seems to go against the grain of the life they had known up to that point. They were the hunter who went out with confidence and determination to gather goods and services for their families with whatever skills they have developed over the years.
Now the man in the household is picking berries by the roadside while the Mrs. is wielding a machete in the urban jungle. She’s hacking a trail to find new sources of food, water, clothing and shelter while the hubby tends the home fires and she fends off the attentions of horny male co-workers.
All of this becomes a huge disconnect from the way things were. I think the idea of a huntress out in the jungle is a pretty exciting thing. She bares her teeth and claws during the workday, scrapping and scraping. At night, she goes home to snuggle with the cubs and takes turns protecting the den from intruders and outsiders. For guys, the female cop, the lady construction worker or a cute, feminine delivery driver is a huge thumbs-up. A good looking girl in typically male roles is intriguing indeed. Like the bikini-clad, tanned beauty wielding a machine gun, pinup style!

Tue 4-14-2009 No Regrets

Tue 4-14-2009 No Regrets

My friend Nano says she’s going to get another tattoo. It’s going to be some sort of scattered star pattern or something. She wants to cover up another tattoo she had done on her stomach when she thought she and her fiancée were actually going to get married. A pretty good idea, I thought. I wouldn’t be too excited about a girl who had some other dude’s name tattooed all over her body – especially if it was on her butt and it said: “this ass belongs to Dave.”